False Alarm

So I'm NOT pregnant. Phew! I got my period this weekend so it was probably late because of all the stress I've been under these last couple of months.

Things don't seem to be getting any less stressful, and my eating and weight is just getting worse. I'm back up to 138 as of today. I have cried after getting on the scale in a long time. I'm hoping I'm just retaining water from my period but I was peeing like crazy yesterday. I drank over 4L of water yesterday and I was constantly back and forth from the bathroom and peeing clear. I need to kick my ass into gear. First thing today is that I'm officially not eating the food at the school anymore. That's it. Nothing. Secondly, I have Sugar snap peas and red grapes to munch on if I get super hungry. Thirdly, I'm skipping the coffee today and having a slimming/diuretic tea and drinking lots of water. If I have the car tonight, I'm going to the gym no matter how tired I am and no dinner. 

For the rest of the week, I have 2 webinars to sit through this week so I'll be doing squats and lunges during those and I'm bringing in my weights do do arm stuffs while I work. 

I need to drop whatever is hanging on to my body. It's gross it's awful and it's been almost a year since I've seen numbers like this. Actually more than a year. 

Thank you Miranda and Kitty for your supportive comments from my last post!

**Edit**

I just went through my blogroll and it really is sad to see how many delete blogs there are or how so many of you haven't posted in almost a year. I unfollowed 20 deleted blogs today. I do hope that where ever they all are they are doing well. 

Hey lovelies,

So the weekend in MTL was a lot of fun. But. D and I had a finance fight. Well not really a fight. Just us both being frustrated. He was feeling pressure because his bills were due this week and he had to pay them on the weekend leaving him with little cash for the next 2 weeks. He didn't think we could afford the trip. I had him pay for the hotel while I bought dinner, paid the gas and for the drinks. He was really pissy and mopey all day which made things really stressful and frustrating for me because I just wanted to enjoy myself. Before we went to dinner I had showed him my bank account showing that I had more than enough money to get us through the next 2 weeks comfortably and with a little room to spare. I think he just felt helpless because usually he's the one that pays for trips like this because he likes to "take me out." I decided to push my bill payments to next pay (when they're due) rather than splitting them between this last one and the next. Next week will be a little tight but it wont be the end of the world. There's nothing pressing that needs to be done. I can do my Christmas shopping the weekend before Christmas. It's not the end of the world.

I'm starting to get a little worried. I'm 2 days late on my period. Not that that's really anything, but I haven't had any PMS symptoms that I usually get and even if I have an irregular month I'm not off by more than 2-3 days. So if I don't get my period by Thursday, something's not right. I really hope it's nothing because I don't feel like I could handle having a baby at this point in time. I feel that D and I are just not prepared 1)to properly support and be responsible like that for a baby and 2)just want to do too many things first before we take that plunge. I really think D and I have to get a lot sorted out before we can do something like that and I don't know what I would do if I actually ended up being pregnant.

ANYWAYS...enough of that. It's probably nothing at all and I'm just over stressing.


Work is crazy busy as always and has me passing out by 10:30 every night. I'm just counting down the days until the 21st and then I'll have 11 days off in a row :)

Anyways off to a meeting I go I just wanted to catch you ladies up on everything.

Weekend planning

So, spoke with K last night about all the details of the Saturday night. Eventually we came to the topic of what-to-wear. She's wearing the cocktail dress below so I need to find a cocktail dress from my closet that is equally as classy.

As it currently stands in my closet, I have the black dress I wore to the gala the other weekend, a green knit bodycon dress, and then everything else is either summery or too clubby. I think I may be making a stop in at Dynamite or at the worst Guess to pick up a bodycon type cocktail dress...who knows. 

To prepare for the weekend. I'm considering doing the 3 day diet. I couldn't start it today as I didn't have the food at home. I need to run to the grocery store tomorrow to pick up supplies. Either that, or liquids. I just need to lose some water weight and bloat. Nothing huge. I just don't want to be puffy as the event we're attending after dinner is a grand opening of a lounge in the Montreal Hyatt. It's a red carpet event, so there will be photos taken as we walk in. Need to look good. At least I will have my shoes, clutch and accessories taken care of so it's just figuring out a dress. 

So I got some money for my birthday and I've been thinking if I should put that money towards clothing, or buy a bottle or two of OxyElite? Thoughts? I need the clothing for work, but the OxyElite worked so well and gave me great results...

So other than racking my brain over what I'll be wearing Saturday, I have to prepare my presentation to the board for tonight so I'm off to work my ass off for the next 8 hours!!

Hey lovelies!!

So this past weekend was probably one of the best weekends ever. My oldest best friend showing up and surprising me out of the blue, seeing my whole family and doing absolutely nothing productive all weekend was amazing.

K - I'm sorry I fell off the tracking bandwagon. I'm going to start logging again tomorrow. It hasn't been good.

This weekend I ate

Friday night:
Pizza, Twisty Bread, DQ ice cream cake, copious amounts of wine.

Saturday:
2 Poached eggs, 2 slices of multigrain toast, 4 strips of bacon, 1/2 cup homefries.
1.5 cups spaghetti and tomato sauce
6" Subway chicken pizziola sub and chips
more obscene amounts of wine

Sunday:
Roast beef, roast potatoes, asparagus, yorkshire pudding, gravy, baguette, cheeses, veggies and dip and birthday cake
Pizza
more wine

ya.

Somehow, SOMEHOW, I did not gain this weekend (knock on wood). I'm now in catch up.
Yesterday I didn't eat anything but an apple and some walnuts until dinner. I then had a chicken thigh, with 1/4 cup rice and some stirfried veggies.

Today I had an apple and then the school lunch, bangers and mash (2 little sausages and 1/4/ cup mashed potatoes) with a cup of chicken broth and some veggies. I plan on having soup tonight for dinner and cooking D a chicken breast.

This weekend I'm heading to Montreal. D and I are heading down on Saturday morning, and will be spending the day shopping (spending my birthday $$ and D is buying me my present) then we're going out to dinner for my friend K's engagement dinner and then out dancing. I need to start figuring out my outfit. Worst case scenario, I'll buy something there but I don't want to spend my birthday money on a cocktail dress I'll probably only wear once.

I'm excited for the weekend but not so much the dinner food portion. At least it's a bring-your-own-wine place. That will save us a buck or two!

Now back to work and looking at hotel deals!

Hey!!

Quick update!!

So today is my birthday. And I'm having a girls' 90s night. We're watching 2gether the movie (YouTube it).

Anyways there is pizza cheesy 90s movies wine and DQ ice cream cake. Throw back!!

So the big news is that my sister plotted as a surprise to have my bestest oldest friend show up tonight! Yay!!

Back to movies. I'll worry about the bad food later.

New Layout

K from skinny mentioned that she was having trouble commenting. I hadn't realized that my blog was giving people trouble! Sorry!!!

I finally played around with the layout of the blog to get it back to the original templates from the Dynamic Views. Hopefully this will help with commenting. I also made it pretty again and put in a new photo at the top. I definitely like it a lot better.

I don't have time to do a proper update today. Changing my layout took too long. Lol.

I'll try to get one in over the weekend!!

Plugging along

So the shower went well this weekend. People said they liked it. I'm glad because I busted my ass getting ready for it.

Friday, I had planned to get things done at work and then correct some artwork for this fundraiser we're doing. The kids drew Christmas Cards and we're getting them printed and making a profit (for the school) of the sales. I had to crop the images and make sure they were to spec for the company who is printing them. I thought it would take me an hour or two. I got to my mom's office (she's got photoshop on her laptop) and I was there until 7:30. It took me 7, yes seven, hours to do them all. I then went back to my parents' house to bake for the shower (after picking up ingredients) and proceeded to bake. The first round of Macarons failed. The savoury tarts took forever to put together. The Pavlova didn't set properly over night and my second attempt at the Macarons only ended up yeilding me 12 sandwiches. We finished baking at 1 am and I was up at 7 to get everything ready and home to change and back out again by 9:30 so I could go buy cupcakes. Needless to say I'm still catching up on sleep from Friday night.

People did have fun though. It was a small group of us and we all enjoyed each other's company.

This week I'm in webinars for training on our new database. Yesterday's almost put me to sleep. Today, to make sure I don't fall asleep I'm going to do lunges and squats and other exercises to keep me moving. The instructor's voices are so monotonous (wow that's a lot of O's) and make it difficult to stay focused. The training is required before they activate the software so it's mandatory. However, the manuals on these trainings are available on the database itself. I want to print them out but each one is between 60-100 pages. I don't know if I can use that much paper on something that will come up in a PDF.

I'm up at 135 again. My eating has been just atrocious this last week and a bit. I have been eating poorly and not sleeping much or well. Today I plan on fasting at work and then only having fruit or a salad when I get home tonight.

Miranda: I am planning on telling my boss that I thought covering for the secretary was only temporary and if anyone else can split these days with me. Right now we have accountants in auditing our books to make sure as a NPO we are on the up and up. So she's pretty stressed right now and I'm trying to get something else out of her in the meantime.

désespérée: Thank you for your comment. I really appreciate your kind words. I would love it if I could run. I have bad knees that limit the amount I can run and pavement makes it worse. I run on a treadmill when I can get to the gym. Work is a 20 minute drive so running from work would be quite a trek. Running has always been something I admire in people, wishing I could do it myself.

Kitty: Thanks! I'll take you up on that offer next time I feel like I was. It's great to know there's someone out there willing to listen in real time. ;)

So the next few weeks are going to be killer. I have to do a Cost Analysis of the school and determine what tuition and fees should be so that the school is never running at a deficit if we do not have enough boarders enrolled. I wont really be able to start on that until this weekend because my boss still hasn't given me the information I need to do this analysis. I told her I need it by the weekend because this weekend is a long weekend and we don't come back to work until Wednesday next week. If I only got it that day, it would only give me a week to get it done. If I get it on Friday, I would have the long weekend to work on it as well. I also have to finish a brochure and find tutoring centres and call them to ask if we can send them brochures and to whom we address the package to. So far I have 12 found and I need to find at least 10 more and then find Child Psychologists as well. At least I wont have to call them I will just have to get the information of the internet.

Well my webinar starts in 30 mins so I'm off to refill my coffee and pull up a good leg workout.

Oh God.



I haven't felt like this for a long time. I'm panicky, anxious, irritable and I feel like I could cry if someone looks at me wrong.




I feel overloaded, burdened and lost. I can't focus on any one thing at a time and the last thing I want to do is anything. I just want to lay on my couch, in my PJs with my cat. Not necessarily watching TV or doing anything just being in that scenario is the only thing that's appealing.

Work is just starting to kill me. I have so many little tiny tasks to do for last week that are all urgent and require my immediate attention by each person who has given me the assignment. I'm just trying to stay afloat and make it to the end of the week. I know that I'll be working over the next few weekends. There's no doubt about it. I won't go into every minute thing I have to do. I don't want to bore you all with these trivial things. I just need to get these emotions out because I don't know where else to get them out.

I don't have an outlet. I want to get back to the gym but my schedule just isn't permitting me to. I know what you're all thinking. I'm just making excuses and that I will have the time if I make the time. Blah blah blah. I'm just so worn at the end of the day that adding to my schedule just seems like I would break. I found out yesterday that covering for the secretary Tues-Thurs is actually a permanent thing this year. When I was asked to do this because her babysitter quit on her 2 weeks before school started, I took this on thinking it would be something that would need to be done until she found a new one. I guess she couldn't find a new sitter or daycare that wasn't full for the year already. But I'm not sure if she was even looking after the school year started. So I don't get home from work until 6, three days a week. If I went to the gym, I wouldn't be home until 8:30 at the earliest, and D is always passed out by then. So I don't see my hubby. You know it all. Update: the secretary leaves in the middle of the afternoon to pick her son up from school.

T's baby shower is this Saturday and I haven't done a thing for it yet. I know I'm baking French macarons.



That's it.




No games planned. No other food or bits and bites.                                  Nothing.

I don't know why I feel so overwhelmed and helpless.

I'm going to get back to work. Time to put the fake smile back on.

Update

So I chose a dress. One I kinda forgot I had. See picture:

So I had to buy a necklace for it as I didn't have one that was formal enough. Being a woman does suck. So tomorrow is hair and mani.

I wasn't really able to actually do lettuce and water. That was a bit of an exaggeration. I did retain water this week but this morning I came down with a tummy bug. Basically it was like I took a whole lot of lax. No more lumpy tummy.

I'll post again tomorrow when I'm all done up to show you all the finished product.

Oh what colour should I do my nails?? I am wearing black with nude shoes and clutch and my jewelry is gold with nude-y pink accents.

Let me know!!!!!

Well then...

Soo. Good news.

I didn't have to buy that dress after all. Since it would be impossible to get. Yay saved money!!!






Until this morning....




I just found out I have to go to a gala this weekend with work.         I don't have a dress.....


So. I'm raiding T's and my sister's closet tonight to try to avoid buying something. Next step is to book a hair appointment and my nails. I'm doing my best to find a dress that will work with a pair of gold glitter pumps (closed toe) so I don't have to get a pedicure. That will save me at least $30. Hair if I can get it booked, can be done for around 50$ because it wont be an updo just a styling. Make-up I'll do myself.

So ideally, all I will have to spend for this gala is parking, and $80-ish for esthetics.

On a similar note, I'm not eating for the rest of the week so I look fabulous for this thing. Only lettuce and water.

Managing

Hello lovelies,

So things still feel empty and lonely, but D's assistant has returned to work so he should be working less now than he has been for the last 2 months. But the habits have formed and he's still passing out early in the evening and not making it up to bed. I have told him how much I have missed him and just feel that I'm not really a priority for him.

I want to thank Miranda for her comment on my last post. I'm not sure if you saw my reply, but I needed that tough love. It really opened my eyes to snap out of it and to really work at pulling myself out of that destructive spiral. Please e-mail me Miranda so we can have a chat over budgeting. tkaye03@gmail.com

One of the "pen pals" I have has recently relapsed from almost a year of recovery. She texted me last night saying that she couldn't hold on anymore an that things were just falling apart and that she had slipped back because it was the only thing constant and guaranteed in her life. I feel so bad for her because she was able to spend a year living a normal life, back at school found an amazing boyfriend and took up running that introduced her to a whole new social circle. I have been so proud of her and it's hard for me to see her slip back into this mess. I've told her that I will support her and comfort her during all this but if things get scary, I have to voice my opinion. I'm hoping it's just the stress of her exams and her hesitation of finishing her law degree. I just hope she will be ok.

This week I'm taking things really slowly. I'm trying to keep my school day intake to under 300 cals and then dinner under 500 for a max intake of 800. I've been doing little workouts in my office when I need a good stretch so I'm not sedentary all day long. I don't burn much but it's something and it's getting me back in the habit of being active. My goal is to start going to the gym again by mid November. My work schedule and my driving schedule with D is starting to even out again so I will be able to really build a schedule. I just have to talk to D about our meals and that he will have to cook while I'm at the gym.

I'm currently freaking out over J's choice for a bridesmaid dress. It's gorgeous. It's a black dress with a lace overlay from Banana Republic's Monogram Collection. She decided on Wednesday that it was the dress she wanted and because it's in the stores now for the holidays it's going fast. So, T (who is 7 months pregnant) and I thought it was a little too sudden on cost and early for fittings and such sucked it up (because it was what the bride wanted) and went to go try it on/buy it but found out that it's only available in the stand-alone stores, not the ones in the malls. In other words, nowhere in Ottawa. We would have to go to Toronto or Montreal. So the girls in MTL are buying them today and are going to see if they can order dresses for T and I for when we're down at the end of November for K's engagement party. T will be 2 weeks from her due date (still unable to try things on properly) and will have to guess at a size and who knows if the dress will still be in stock in a month. Since the other girls are buying the dress today, J has said that worst case scenario, T and I can wear just plain black satin dresses. What a way to make us feel like we suck and can't do anything. Then it runs into a problems how this black satin dress is going to look with the other dress and what cut, and style J will want. It's getting way too complicated too early and it's really stressing me out. The funny thing is, is that since T and I said that we can't buy the dress here in Ottawa, J hasn't responded to any of the texts that have been circulating.

Well here's to saving up $220 for a dress in the next couple of weeks and being stuck at weighing whatever I am at at that time. Oh well.

Anyways, off to work I go. I'm taking new photos of the school to update our marketing materials. Oh speaking of the school, could you all follow this link and watch the video on Dr. Agatha Sidlauskas and vote for her by the end of the day?? She's in the running for the People's Choice award from the Amazing Person of 2012. We need all the votes we can get. You can't vote multiple times with one e-mail but use any e-mail you can and please pass it on!

http://ottawa.ctvnews.ca/features/amazing-people

In a bad place

Hello all,

Sorry I haven't been posting or commenting of late. I just haven't been me lately.

As you all know D has been in a crappy situation with work for the past few months and has been working a lot more since his assistant had his accident a while back. He hasn't had a day off in over 50 days and I barely see him anymore. We manage to share a meal (definitely not home cooked) and then shortly after he passes out for the rest of the night. This leaves me pretty much alone all night. I can't even wake him up to get him off the couch to come to bed. I have slept alone for so long I've lost count of exactly how long. When he is home early on one of his "days off" he doesn't want to do ANYTHING other than lay on the couch. It's a struggle to have him willingly go to the odd Sunday dinner with my family. And when he does go, he's so reclusive that it's embarrassing.

ANYWAYS. I have just been so lonely and depressed with really no one to talk to about it. T is gearing up to have her baby in 2 months, J just moved to Vancouver, K (who I visited recently) I don't feel close enough to her to share these kinds of worries AND she just got engaged so why would I bring up my relationship problems while she's on cloud 9?? My elementary school friend V just has no relationship knowledge because she's never been in one (but that's a whole long story I will not bore you all with). So basically I have no one to talk to. I know you will all say well you should tell D how you feel. Well, if I'm tired or feeling sick or not perfectly happy or perky he basically gets pissy and tells me there's no way I should be feeling the way I am compared to him. I tell him it's not a contest, and I can be tired for my very own reasons. I've told him I want to spend more time with him doing things and being together. Even menial things like running errands and such. He just tells me to take his debit card and he will see me in a couple of hours. If I bug him enough he'll begrudgingly get off the couch and come with me. I just don't know what to do.

To top it off, I had a classmate from uni reconnect with me these last few weeks on LinkedIn. Cool right? Sure. But we never were friends, he was just a "consultant" for a project I was working on for one of my classes. He was the VP of the Finance committee at the school and our project was a case study on opening an investment firm. I was the team leader so I was the one that spoke to him mostly. Otherwise we didn't run in the same circles much but chatted on MSN from time to time. After uni when I went to college, we started talking more. We got to know each other and had an online flirtation and were making plans for him to come visit me to see if these "feelings" were more or less real and to possibly attempt starting a relationship as I was going to be finishing my program and moving home in a couple of months. We never got to meet up because he got a job offer at a bank or financial company in the UK and had to start very quickly after he got the job. We kept talking a bit but fell out of touch with the time difference. From there I met D, and you all know the rest of the story...So, he's back in Canada now living in Toronto trying reconnect with people from uni. We've been sending the odd message back and forth over LinkedIn, and then he shot out there that if I was ever in T.O. that we should go for drinks and catch up. I agreed but I never go but doesn't hurt to agree. We keep talking and he keeps bringing it up that when I go down we should meet up. He knows I'm married and he's married with a kid. ANYWAYS, he's helping me with deciphering my group plan at work since he's in Finance and all. Networking has it's perks. Well we exchanged our new e-mails to talk over MSN to make things easier than the inbox on LinkedIn. After our first convo on MSN, he gave me his cell number saying that I could text him whenever. Just weird. Now the part that's not so innocent. I have been thoroughly enjoying our conversations. And we talk the entire work day. I get giddy almost. It scares me. I'm not sure if this is a result from my loneliness and is just me looking for attention anywhere, or if this is something I should be really worried about. But this is making me worry. I've just been so confused.

Throw in my emotional eating when I get stressed and boom I'm freaking out about everything. Lack of social life, looking for a social life elsewhere, and eating so horribly that I have had a stomach ache for the last 2 weeks is just destroying me. I lay awake at night wondering what's wrong with me and why I'm thinking the way I am.

I just wish I had someone I could just vent this completely to and get advice or feedback or understanding on what's going on with me. I'm sorry to have dumped this all here but I have no where else to vent. I have been putting on a super happy face trying to pretend that everything is great and that I'm strong and understanding and patient. But all I feel is weak, confused and anxious. My Twitter has been found by D's best work buddy and he's following me now so I have be VERY careful what I tweet. So that outlet has has up and gone. Oh well. Hopefully this will pass over once D is back to normal.

Long time no see

Hello Lovelies!

Sorry for being so M.I.A.

No excuse really just haven't really had anything to blog about.

ANYWAYS.

I'm bouncing between 129 and 131. Literally. I mean, I'm either 129 dead on or I'm 131 dead on. I never graze 130 just bouncing between those 2 lbs like a ping pong ball or something. Kinda weird....

My weekend with the girls was amazing. I had a blast. I went absolutely broke. The baths at the spa costed $55 after taxes (I did not expect that) and I spent about $100 in gas, and food for the potluck, $$ for cover at the bar and brunch on Saturday morning. Also I had to buy a new pair of flats because my favourites fell apart in the rain on the Friday I went down. No really. Fell apart. As in, unsalvageable, destroyed, no longer shoes. So, Payless had nothing and there was barely anything on the sale racks that were left over from the summer in my size at the other stores. I almost caved and bought a pair of $110 studded tuxedo slippers from Nine West but stopped myself and went for a $65 pair of black suede loafers from Aldo. For necessity, I think I did pretty well.

Anyways, so that Saturday night at the bar was a lot of fun. The bar was called Electric Avenue, and they play all the kitschy, poppy songs from the 70s-90s. There was a lot of awesome 80s and a lot disco, and the odd boy band thrown in here and there. I played eye games with a hunk in the dance circle across from us and got hit on by a dorky looking college kid. Gotta give props to the kid though he did walk through the centre of a girls-only dance circle to talk to me and politely asked me to dance and didn't give me a hard time when I said no.


Well, work has been keeping me busy. I have to prepare a report on ways to increase our revenue for next week's board meeting and I have to build a brochure and get it printed and sent out for the middle of November. No rest pour moi.

Speaking of which. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight for D. The poor man gets no rest, and he is just drained when he comes home. I never see him anymore. He comes home, eats dinner and then passes out on the couch within the next hour. And when he does fall asleep he's gone for the rest of the night. I have no way of waking him up. He's not aware that I'll spend an hour every night trying to wake him up to come to bed. He hasn't slept in bed with me a full night in almost a month now. He eventually wanders up at about 4 am or so but then he has to get up for work at 5. I really do miss my hubby. I feel so bad for him that he has no way to have a days rest at any point. Today was day 32 of working straight. He's done the odd half day (6 am - 3pm) but that's been about it. No real days off in over a month. :(

I got my period today, and my face erupted like a volcano! I seriously haven't had a breakout like this since high school! I thought my skin was bad for a 26 year old but this is straight out 14 year old skin today. Just awful. No amount of make-up could cover it up an it would only make the situation worse!! Hot compresses tonight along with a mask of some sort. BAH! Stupid hormones.

Well back to work I go. Hope you are all doing well!~

Hello lovelies.

So not much new in the world of me. Just feeling generally BLAH. I feel apathetic, moody, uncomfortable, not right in my own skin and above everything else fat. And not just "Ew, I'm bloated and feel puffy!" I mean HUGE, GARGANTUAN, OBESE. I just don't feel like me. Nothing is fitting right and looks like a sack on me. I know I should be happy that my clothes are too big, but because I can't buy the right size clothes I have to make do in clothes that don't fit. I look like a whale in them. I can't stand being in my own skin at the moment. I'm breaking out and retaining water like there's no tomorrow. I couldn't take enough diuretics to fight this.

So D wont be able to come to Montreal with me this weekend. I'm not sure if I had told you all that his assistant manager got in an accident and has been in the hospital because he had a collapsed lung. So D has to work this weekend. It's sad and I have to make the trip on my own in crummy weather in the evening. I'm not sure if I should bus or borrow my mom's car and make the drive. I haven't figured out what would be cheaper for me. It's supposed to rain on Friday so that makes me a little nervous to drive by myself but the bus is going to cost me $70 plus tax. Then there is the wait time at the stations and such. Where the car I can just get there when I get there and there are no wait times.

Blah.

Well I hope this funk passes. Maybe a good night's sleep will help. I know I didn't sleep well last night. I was too warm. Here's hoping.

OMG

All I can say is that I'm glad I can't use my credit cards...

http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/ee1c/

I love you ALL!

I just wanted to say to you all that you girls are amazing. No matter how upset, down on myself or hopeless I get, you are always there to show me the brighter side of things and that I'm never alone. You girls just GET me. Sometimes I feel so much closer with you all then my best friends. I can say anything, tell you anything without worrying that you think I'm being over dramatic or over analysing things. I feel that my real life friends can be judgemental (not in a cruel way) sometimes and they can't fully grasp my concerns and fears. It is just such a shame that all of you, my lovelies are, so far away.

If you ever want to contact me and talk outside of the blogger-verse you can e-mail me at:



Just let me know who you are. You can also add me to Facebook with that e-mail. I just want you all to know that I'm here for you whenever you need me. :)

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

So, still bummed about my money situation. Who knows how I'm going to fix this. Sigh.

Kitty: Before I found out about my RRSP deductions D and I made pretty much the same. He made about $50 more than me. However, the odd pay for him, if he works a lot of extra hours during the week he will sometimes get paid out for some of them and then his cheque will be a bit more. He then takes that money and puts some to his credit cards or into savings for when we want to go do something (like our Montreal trip in a couple of weeks). Basically I just have to be really careful with my money and put a lot more into my "untouchable" accounts.

I think I'm going to make an appointment with the bank on Friday afternoon to find out what I can do. At least I'm putting away $50 each pay for my iPhone in October when it's released. Right now I'm sitting at $225 in that account with 3 more pays (at least) before I get the phone. Who knows what it's going to cost me with a contract and everything but I still will have just over $400 for the phone.

So I'm off the OxyElite Pro now. I finished the bottle last week and I'm back up at 132.8. I'm so disgusted and upset. Mind you my eating hasn't been as clean as it has been over the last bit of the summer, and I'm eating lunch at school again. They are the first pills that have done ANYTHING for me since I started taking diet pills. I know I have to take a 4 week hiatus from taking them before I can start up again, but with only one website that ships to Canada and a $40 shipping cost makes the whole transaction over $80. And that doesn't even include duty upon delivery. One bottle could cost me $100. I don't know if that's worth it. But I'm so upset that I spiked 4 lbs over the weekend. The first bit was due to my period, but now that it's over I haven't gone down at all.

D and I went out for our anniversary dinner on Saturday night and I just felt like a whale. Nothing seemed to fit right and I just looked bulgy and lumpy. Nothing I did made me look normal. It was really hard to enjoy myself and the beautifully prepared food. How is it that I have so many issues with food but I am a full fledged foodie? That always baffles my mind. I get so much anxiety over going out for a meal or even cooking one but I go crazy for flavours and textures and new experiences. This is probably unheard of to all of you. What has me going even crazier is that when I go for my girls' day at the end of the month, here is what is tentatively planned. Brunch, then helping J pack along with drinks and munchies, time at a Nordic spa (only a couple bucks to use the baths) or mani/pedis, then either dinner out or at someone's house then more drinking and then out dancing. Not only will this be a day of calories, but money spending. I'm trying to push for dinner to be at someone's place to save money but C (who's offered to host) is a really picky eater and will probably serve fettucini alfredo or something equally carby and fatty. Brunch is going to be tough if it's at a place like Cora's (huge portions and lots of cals in all their food). But if I don't eat during the day, when I go to drink I'm going to get hit super hard and get sick. I'm freaking out just thinking about that.

GAH!

I just wish I didn't care. All my friends are just so tiny and don't have stupid repercussions like me when they eat the wrong thing the wrong way. I just can't let myself get fat like I was 3 years ago. I know where I am is my body's "happy" spot. I can function like this but I just hate looking at myself at this weight. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I avoid them as much as possible. I really only spend time in front of the mirror when I get ready in the mornings.

Anyways, I should probably stop. I'm just in such a funk and I don't want to bring you lovelies down with me.

I hate money

It seems as though every day some new money problem comes up. It's really starting to stress me out. My credit cards never seem to get lower. My bills just seem to get bigger. And my needs just seem to become more.

I went through my closet the last couple of weeks getting ready for the new season and taking stock of what didn't fit, what I don't wear anymore etc. I discovered that I don't have office appropriate attire for fall/winter. Which makes sense since I worked in a Costco for the last 2 years. All I have are jeans t-shirts, sweaters and hoodies. I can't wear that to work. The stuff I wore when I was in the office when I started this blog don't fit. Which I'm glad they don't because I was almost 30 lbs heavier!! So I need a new 3 piece suit (pants skirt and jacket) and then some tops. I don't need much. I have casual wear for the most part down. I've cleaned out my closet and gotten rid of old and ill fitting things. But I don't have the money. I just can't afford to prepare myself for work. I can't.

I just found out these last 6 months working here they messed up my RRSP contributions. They're supposed to add their contribution to my pay-cheque and then remove theirs and mine to my RRSP account. They only  put their contribution. Now I'm lucky they're not going to remove my contributions over the last 6 months but from here on in I'm going to have $130 less on my pay each cheque. That $130 was my me money. The odd manicure or restocking my closet. I will now be broke every single Monday after pay.

500 to my mortgage, 50 to the gym, 50 to my savings, 200 to my credit card, 150 to groceries, and 150 to my phone/cable/internet bill. That's each pay cheque. Boom I'm broke. D pays the same 500 for the mortgage plus his student loan and pays about 350 in utilities and then usually picks up the tab in other bills like property taxes and our car insurance.

How the hell am I supposed to afford anything? How can I pay off anything. How am I to afford Montreal in 3 weeks?

I almost want to take a second job but then I'd never see my husband or anyone else for that matter.

On a happier note, for Harlow and Kitty this was T's leg workout yesterday (she posted it on FB) this will give you and idea of how crazy she still is going:

Fast and furious glute & hamstring workout today: 
4 sets x 40 walking lunges 
3 sets single leg cable glute kickbacks
4 sets single leg hamstring curls
3 drop sets abductors
and finished with 5 sets x 20 3/4 leg presses

..... all in 35 minutes!! Yup, stairs are going to be a problem tomorrow, lol.

Sorry I needed to vent there. I didn't mean to be so depressing.

Sorry for the second post today...

...but I have a dilemma.

No it's not the purse.

So as you all know, I did mention that J is moving to Vancouver. She's leaving now at the end of September.

This is my problem:

Her parents are throwing her an engagement party in Burlington next weekend. Next weekend is right around my anniversary. It's not until the Tuesday but who wants to do a big celebration in the evening in the middle of the week when we both have to be up early the next morning (read 5 am)?

Secondly, J wants to have a girls' night/last hurrah on September 22-23 in Montreal. That weekend D has the Friday, Saturday AND Sunday off.

Now here's the issue. I have to see J before she leaves for the other side of the country. But, I don't want to take away from the miniscule amount of time D and I have together. D (disappointedly) surprised me with he was thinking of using our Aeroplan miles to go to NYC for the weekend at the end of September since he has 3 days off. And that would be our anniversary celebration. So that would have me getting to the engagement party no problems, but then I miss out on saying goodbye to her before she leaves. T can't attend the weekend in Montreal as she's busy herself. But I've missed out on so many social events with friends either because of working weekends or lack of funds. I don't have those issues now and I'm stuck.

D said we could just go to Montreal on the Friday have a night out, get a hotel spend Saturday together downtown and then he would go hang out with my cousins while I hung out with the girls (staying at the hotel afterwards) and we would come back late on Sunday. It would be extremely cheaper than NYC but D has been saving up because he knows how much I want to go back. It breaks my heart that I feel that I have to disappoint one person to make the other happy.

What would you all do??

Good morning Lovelies!!

I'm going to try to make this quick (I have a presentation to give in 30 mins).

First off I want to congratulate HarlowB on her pregnancy!! Yay!!! And I want to answer her comments she left me last night.

T is my friend who did the fitness competitions. She didn't really change her routine all that much. At almost 6 months, she's still working out 6 days a week. When she first found out, she didn't change anything until she noticed her body changing. First she had to stop all core work because she wasn't as flexable. She's still doing weights and cardio. Mind you, her cardio has been reduced as well. Her mindset is that she will keep going until her body starts to say that she should let up a little. She's taken up more yoga and is spending a lot of time walking her dog. All this doesn't really phase me, or seem over the top or anything like that. What really knocks me off my feet is that this woman wants to do another fitness competition 14 MONTHS after she gives birth! The big question is going to be how fast will she be able to bounce back into her routine after the baby comes! What I might try to do, is push her into posting an update on one of her blogs. Her and J have let their blog fall to the wayside a bit. If I can get her to post one, I'll make sure to link it on my blog for you and any other mommy to be-s here (Kitty).

So after 2 weeks I've hovered in the 129.something range. I did have a day or two where I slipped back into the 130s but it went back down the next day. I think it's safe to say I've broken the 130s officially and today's even 129 cements it. Wish I went lower but this is a big enough feat for me. I put on a pair of trousers today that I always remember being skin tight since Uni but I put them on today and they're BAGGY. I've never owned baggy clothes. They've either fit or been tight. So I kinda jumped for joy at that this morning (and maybe did a little dance around the room).

I'm nervous for school to start next week because I don't want to eat the food here. I've gotten into such a nice routine this summer I don't want to ruin it. But the thing is that I wouldn't be able to bring my own food in and eat it in the dining room in front of the kids. They are given a hot meal every day and there are so many kids with allergies no outside food is allowed. And it's not fair to eat other food they cant have. GAH!

Do you ladies remember the purse I bought 2 years ago before my wedding with the fringe on it? It's the only fall purse I have and I can't seem to figure out if it's still in style enough to wear still. The bags I see these days are all super structured. What do you think?? Help?

The Victoria's Secret Models Have a Tumblr!!!!

AWESOME THINSPO!

That is all....Here's the link. Enjoy!


oh yeah...maybe I should update you all too!

So I'm still in the 129's. I spiked back up 2lbs but I've worked it back down. Still not in the clear though.

Tonight I'm going to dinner with my girlfriends. I've decided to stay away from the booze and just get an entrée (ask for a take away box so I can immediately pack up half) and then maybe a little dessert and coffee. I went to the website for the restaurant and they have a really extensive nutritional info page. I've determined to never eat a main salad there again (over 900 cals with the dressing) and to stay away from anything "Asian Inspired" as they're all over 1000 cals and have over 3000 mg of sodium!!! I was disgusted and turned off the place pretty much. Here's my list of options for tonight:

Grilled Chicken with Steamed Veg and Jasmine Rice - 390 (could cut some cals by not eating all the rice)
Roasted Tomato & Red Pepper Bisque with Croutons - 350
California Starter Salad (no dressing) - 160
Roasted Mushroom Soup - 360
Kobe Mealoaf - 610 (this includes all the trimmings and sauces)
Miso Glazed Black Cod - 730 (again all the trimmings and sauces and the sauce is a little sugary)
Tomato Brown Rice Spaghetinni - 760 (Gluten Free & Veggie. I would pack half up for half the cals)
Grilled Veggie Wrap - 550 (not sure what the side is though so probably not this one)
Ibarra Chocolate Cake - 334
Key Lime Pie - 270
Milestone's Moment - 240

This will all depend on how hungry I am and how I feel. It will be easy not to drink tonight because T is pregnant and my other friend C doesn't really drink.

I found out today that J is moving with her fiancé to Vancouver in October. This is going to be the furthest apart that someone in our group has been from us. We've all been within a 2 hour drive. This really sucks. I've been in a funk all day and I've cried a couple of times. I mean, I'm happy for her and it's a great opportunity for her fiancé. I'm just going to really miss her.


Anyways, that's about all for me. Back to work I go.

Quick update because work is crazy atm:

After this weekend of food I was 131 on Monday, but Tuesday morning I woke up and was 129.8! I'm not clear out of the woods yet. I won't consider myself officially out of the 130's until I'm at an even 129 or lower for at least 2 days. 

I'm basically just eating dinner at this point. I picked up some sushi at lunch today and I couldn't eat it. It just didn't seem appetizing (not that it was bad or anything) so I ended up tossing it. I know what a waste of money but it wouldn't be good tomorrow if I saved it. 

This weekend I'm getting together with T for a Yoga and coffee/tea date. So I'll have a bit of a workout, it is a Prenatal class though, so I'm not sure what to expect from it. 

Anyways I have get back to it. Just wanted to keep you all in the loop!

130 lovelies! This is where it starts to become important on what I do. I've gotten here before, but I can never break past this point. This is going make or break me. I have gotten into my routine though. Small nibble with my coffee just after taking my pills. No restriction on what it is, but if it's a muffin or something of the sorts I only have a small piece and save the rest for the afternoon and still end up throwing half of it out. If I have fruit in the morning, then I have some veggies at lunch if I'm hungry. But most days it's coffee in the morning and tea while I'm at work. I'm doing squats and crunches in my office to keep myself moving and to break up my day. I don't leave my office because I'd be tempted to get in my car and get food. I don't eat infront of anyone and I don't stick around when people are eating. The only "meal" I'm eating right now is dinner with D. But I've been having a weird stomach ache this week that's come along with my period. It must be some sort of bug because I can't think of what else it could be. But I'll have some veggies or a couple bite of what ever we're eating. Sometimes I'll eat everything or I'll have a couple nibbles.

We bought the BBQ on Tuesday. We got a great deal on it. All stainless steel 4 burner with a side burner for pots and frying etc. It was the floor model (so already assembled) and it was on clearance. The BBQ was originally $650 but we got it for just under $400. By the time we added the Nat. Gas conversion kit and some tools and light bulbs (we went LED to save on energy bills) we were over $500. Not bad. But all that aside, we grilled last night and it was AMAZING! My stove top is now officially for boiling and steaming. No more pan frying unless I'm cooking for a party and it's required (such as risotto, stir fry or searing roasts before putting it in the oven).

I'm feeling good about all of this and I'm so close to ACTUALLY breaking 130. I did a little dance when I saw that number on the scale.

My best friend J got engaged this past weekend. So I'm on the docket to start planning an engagement party. Honestly, I'd love to host it because I have the space and I love doing these things, but I wouldn't mind at all if the rest of my friends decide to do it in Montreal where they are. All I have to do is get there early and set up and maybe bring a dish or dessert. Heck, I would grab a ride with T and not have to spend money on gas (I'd give them $30 for the trip but better than $100 myself).

Work is still stressful but things are starting to fall into place. Since my last post I've had 3 inquiries. One is a boy who is pretty much a go, one is 2 boys who's parents just moved from Saudi Arabia (diplomats probably) but the older one has ADHD and Asperger's so he's a case that we have to look closely at and I had an agent contact me about 2 kids from Kazakhstan. So 5 kids where 1 is certain 2 are probable and 2 are unknown. Let's hope these pan out, but if they do it will be A LOT of work. Well speaking of work, I need to get back to it. I have printer's proofs to go over for ads that are due today and then some database updating to do.

yay!

Hello lovelies!

So. I've been running around these last couple of days trying to figure out how much BBQs are on clearance to make sure I have enough money pay for D's gift. I don't want to get to the store and find out they're all $600+. We have a natural gas valve in our backyard so we need a natural gas BBQ (which are a little more expensive). My fears were rested a bit that there are some that range from $400-$600. Hopefully he picks something from there.

Good news since my post on Monday, I've lost 2lbs!! The OxyElite is just completely killing my appetite. I haven't eaten breakfast and during work I make sure I have something to munch on. Monday was 2 cups of red grapes, and yesterday was an apple and 10 Food Should Taste Good sweet potato chips. Today I went and met my mom for lunch at a Vietnamese place in town. I had 2 little rice roll ups, and boy, I feel like I'm about to burst! I've had very small portioned dinners in the evening but mostly vegetables. I am also drinking water like you wouldn't believe. I've been drinking over 3L each day. It's been annoying at work because I have to pee, like, every 15 mins. At least the bathroom is just across the hall from my office!

I'm being adventurous this week. I'm going to try kale for the first time. I'm thinking of tossing/massaging it with a bit of olive oil and lemon to break it down a bit. Does anyone have recommendations on what is the best way to try it for the first time??

Work has been really stressing me out lately. The school's income this year is under because our classes aren't filled and we lost 10 boarders this past year (graduation changing schools etc) and didn't get many new ones to replace them. A lot of our income comes from the boarding fees. So I've been trying for the last 2 months to recruit new applicants. I've had a handful but not many have followed through. I admitted one girl last week and we're testing a boy in 2 weeks. Our SK-1 split class only has 5 kids and I can't seem to draw in younger families. My boss wants me to do all this advertising, but I'm close to having my budget spent  and I don't want to tap into next year's to fund it. I'm short of cornering people in a room forcing them to enrol their kids (just kidding). I'm just always tired these days. I was even sick over my vacation because I was so stressed that I couldn't get wifi to access my e-mails. At least when the school year starts I'll hopefully be able to relax a bit more.

Anyways, I have to go. I have a bunch of phone calls to make and packages to prepare in the next hour and half before I go sit at my info table (there's a day camp that runs here in the summer).

I think early to bed for me tonight.

I'm BAAAAAAAACK!

Hello lovelies!

I'm back from vacation. I wanted to post while I was away but the apartment we rented didn't have wifi and any hotspots that showed up on my phone were inconsistent at best.

I had a good time in Stone Harbor. It was just really nice to relax on the beach and read for hours on end and then cool off in the ocean when it got too hot. And boy was it hot! Muggy and humid too! I got through 3 books and about 7 magazines while I was there. The food was amazing. All sorts of fresh local sea food at the restaurants and then don't forget about Springer's (ice cream parlour). I ate what felt like a lot. It was definitely more than I usually do. However, I managed to maintain the whole trip. I couldn't weigh myself while I was away and as I usually am when I go away I didn't have a BM (sorry TMI) until I got back home Saturday night. Sunday morning I was 135 and after cleansing yesterday I weighed in this morning at 133. My normal.

We did some shopping while we were there. I got a pair of Michael Kors shoes for $50 and I did a spree at Victoria's Secret. I spent $250 there on 5 bras. I also found out I'm now a 34D. I protested with the sales girl like crazy that I couldn't possibly be that big. Last year when I was there I went up to a 34C from a 36B. If I go back next year I don't think it will bode well for me...Heck, this woman wanted to put me in to a DD for goodness sake. Nice bras and everything but I still can't believe it! I also bought some new accessories too from a shop in town. A cute Juicy chain charm bracelet, a wishbone necklace and a pair of square glass earrings. I kept things pretty modest. The bras I had been saving up for a year, and was in desperate need of new ones. In Canada we have La Senza but it really sucks. The bras fall apart so quickly and they make your boobs look conical (think 1940s pointy bras).

So I'm back at work this week and I really wish I was still on vacation. I already feel like I could use a nap or two.

D's birthday is this Friday and I'm thinking of buying him a BBQ for his birthday. It's something we have been looking into since our patio is now installed and finished. I'm thinking of taking him out this weekend or next to pick one out. I've put aside $400 for a clearance model. I wanted to just go buy one and have it built and ready for when he came home from work Friday night, but I don't want to pick something he doesn't like. I want him to get the one he really wants (within practicality and budget). The good news is that I wont have to pan fry things any more (woo no oil!) and I can pre-grill chicken for my lunches at the beginning of the week. Our natural gas valve is close to the house so we'll be able to BBQ in the winter too!

I also picked up a small bottle of OxyElite Pro and Waterex at GNC while I was in NJ. Canada doesn't sell OxyElite anymore and they discontinued Waterex as well. The water pills here have a dosage of 4 pills 2x a day while Waterex is 2 pills daily (I find 1 more than enough). I'm actually regretting not buying more of both pills. I like the Oxy because I don't get jittery but it stops hunger. I make sure to have small snacks so my blood sugar doesn't drop but I'm not starving and it doesn't really occur to me to eat. Oh well. Maybe I'll actually look into ordering it online ($80 after shipping).

Well that's all that's new with me right now lovelies. I should be getting back to work before my lunch hour starts. Missed you all! I agree with everyone that blogger has become very quiet as of late (I know I haven't been so active lately. sorry!).

vacation prep

Hello lovelies,

So it's that time of year where I'm headed to New Jersey again for Vacation. I'm still disgusting and huge and probably shouldn't be seen in a bathing suit. But, other than keeping my sodium and carb intake low and staying super hydrated, there's not much else I can do at this point.

I'm going for my first bikini wax today and I'm super nervous (read: scared) and I really hope I don't get bad ingrown hairs or anything. Sorry if it's TMI. I just need to get it out because I don't really have anyone to vent to about this. I'm going to the salon where I usually get my underarms and eyebrows waxed. I'm armed with Advil so that the pain is supposedly less.

I'm fasting today and tomorrow. I don't plan on having more than 200 liquid calories today and I will continue the fast until tomorrow evening where I'll be going to dinner with D's aunt before vacation. She's been in Cyprus this last year so we haven't seen her for a while. After dinner, D and I are seeing the midnight showing of Batman I'm super pumped!

Anyways off to my appointment. I hope I'm making it a bigger thing than it actually is.

Low cal pizza dough!!!!

Ok after a couple of searches, I think this is the best dough recipe to go with the pizza muffins in my last post.  I found. It's 151 cals a slice in a pizza of 6 slices. So it would probably be less in a muffin cup. Enjoy and happy pizza making!!

Quick Pizza Dough

http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes/qu...zza_dough.html


1 pound dough (6 servings) | Active Time: 10 minutes | Total Time: 20 minutes

Ingredients

2 cups all-purpose flour
1 package quick-rising yeast
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon sugar
1 teaspoon extra-virgin olive oil
3/4 cup water
Preparation

Pulse flour, yeast, salt and sugar in a food processor until mixed.
Heat oil and water in a small saucepan or in a glass measuring cup in the microwave to between 120 and 130°F. With the processor on, gradually pour the warm liquid through the feed tube. (If the mixture is too dry, add 1 or 2 tablespoons warm water.) Process until the dough forms a ball, then process for 1 minute to knead.
Transfer the dough to a lightly floured surface. Cover with plastic wrap and let rest for 10 to 15 minutes.
Nutrition

Per serving : 151 Calories; 1 g Fat; 0 g Sat; 1 g Mono; 0 mg Cholesterol; 30 g Carbohydrates; 4 g Protein; 1 g Fiber; 390 mg Sodium; 65 mg Potassium

2 Carbohydrate Serving

Exchanges: 2 starch

Tips & Notes

Make Ahead Tip: The dough can be made ahead, enclosed in a plastic bag and stored in the refrigerator overnight. Bring to room temperature before using.

Best Idea EVER

http://thechive.com/2012/07/02/pizza-cupcakes-why-wasnt-i-informed-about-this-until-now-6-photos/

THIS is AMAZING! So many options and the potential to be extremely low cal and perfect portion sizes. Now for the hunt for a low cal pizza dough.

Hello lovelies,

So lets get the weight thing out of the way, I'm just holding steady right now. I've been going to the gym (3 trips in the last week).

I went to rib-fest this past weekend and had a blast with my family. I definitely ate a bit too much but it was REALLY good. There were BBQ teams from the southern states and we got to sample some real authentic southern BBQ. Each vendor had a different taste and style of rib. The ribs were the only thing I ate that day, and I didn't eat anything other than fruit at lunch to make up for the high cals of Sunday.

I have been making a good dent on my credit cards lately, however, I had to take my car to the shop yesterday because it broke down on us on Tuesday. So  I'm $500 in the hole again on my Visa. I plan on dumping the rest of my cash from my debit account onto my Visa to take a chunk out, and use my Visa for gas and groceries until next Friday. It's not so bad because we have meat so veggies and fruits will cost us topwards of $50 and the gas will be $50.

This Sunday is Canada Day. So it's a long weekend!! Woo! I don't plan on going downtown this year. Plan on saving some $$ and I just want to relax. D and I are hoping some of our neighbours are kicking around and we'll spend some time with them on Sunday and drink what beer and wine we have kicking around the house. So super low budget. I want to try to get to the gym at least 3 times before Monday, which is totally do able.

So you know how when you stand in front of your mirror and you poke and prod at your fat/bulge/lumps etc? Well, I pretty much accepted the fact that I would always be hippy and never be probably less than a size 4. I though my hip bones were just naturally wide. Anyways, so I was poking, prodding and pinching in front of the mirror being thoroughly disgusted with myself and decided to see how "hippy" I actually am by pulling back my love handles. Well, I could definitely be a 0. No doubt about that. I was F'ing settling. So my reward for paying off my credit cards (thing might sound counter intuitive) is to set myself up again with a personal trainer. I don't mean a 20 year old trainer at GoodLife, I mean a REAL personal trainer who will set me up with a detailed meal plan and 4 sessions a week until I get down to a 0/2. I have a $5000 limit on my Visa so I will save up $2500 in cash and put the other $2500 on my Visa. This will probably be doable after Christmas (I will be asking for $$ to go towards PT for my birthday and Christmas) and I should be at a 0 by April at the latest. In the mean time, I have to begin scheduling in my gym time. After this pay, I'm going to add to my "supplies" list a day planner (week over 2 pages) to slot my workouts into. What do you ladies think??

Anyways, I should get back to work. I have to write copy for an ad that will be going into a Chinese newspaper (it will be translated by a translator).

Quick update

I hit 132 on Saturday after being sick Friday night. Didn't eat from noon Friday until noon Saturday. Had a total of 500 cals on Saturday to make me 133 on Sunday morning. After Sunday events I managed to stay away from the munchies all afternoon and had a large portion of the turkey (breast) and lots of salad. Had a bit too much dessert and didn't drink nearly enough water but only retained water and gained 1.5lbs. So today I took a diuretic and I have about 200 cals planned in consumption (including dinner) and I'm back at the gym tonight.

My bank account is at $0 so I can't spend anything at all this week until Friday. I have $50 in cash in my wallet that will be going mostly to fill my gas tank this afternoon. I will be broke again by Saturday because I have a lot of bills to pay this weekend. $200 to city taxes, $220 to my cable/home phone/internet bill, $100 pay off my cell phone, at least $50 to my Visa and $400 to my mortgage. So that gives me roughly $300 for the coming 2 weeks. That doesn't include gas for the car and groceries. D had a lot going to bills too so I can't fall back on him for some things. We're going to have a very quite 2 weeks in.

Well back to work. Just wanted to let you all know where I am atm.

Maintained

So I'm still at 136.2. I'm not phased though. I'm still doing the fast 5 (fasting all day then eating a very clean low cal dinner at about 5:30). But I'm also paying attention to my body. I've had maybe 900 cals all week. I got up from my desk a couple times this morning and felt very woozy and light headed. Things were spinning a bit too. So I went down for lunch as today's meal was baked fish; had half a piece and a small salad with no dressing. I couldn't finish it. My stomach has shrunk and is not used to very much food in it. Even though I ate something mid-day, knowing that I don't feel like a bottomless pit is a good thing. I got some protein in myself and some veggies. This should hopefully tide me over until lunch tomorrow. I'm spending most of the day at my parents' making strawberry preserves and jam so I'll be expected to eat lunch and then a food filled weekend starts. So having a very small appetite is going to work in my favour!

So I only managed to spend 30 mins at the gym yesterday as D invited his assistant manager to stay for dinner. So I had to come home earlier than I had expected and cook so not to be rude (if I had left it to D the cals would have been WAY higher and not necessarily clean.

Tonight, I want to try to get to the gym again to make up for lost time but I have a house to clean and a closet to organize. At this point my closet has turned into a floor-drobe (read: my closet is on my floor). If I manage to get all that done tonight by a decent hour I will try to do a workout video or some callisthenics.

I also have to start making my official lists to pack for NJ. So far, thinking about it, we're going to have to spend at least $300 on D to fix up his wardrobe. He's lacking in shorts and swim trunks and his t-shirts are looking a little sorry and a lot have holes in them. He also needs new sneakers as the ones he has are falling apart and he will need flip flops for the beach. So this will add up. I think it's doable to get all this by the end of July and to restock his wardrobe the $300 is not horrible but I wish it wasn't necessary. We also have to buy toiletries and sunscreen so that will be a bit of money at the drug store. On top of all that, I have to restock my supplements and diet pills. Yay.

On my financials, I plan on taking my RRSPs from Costco and applying them to my credit card to help pay it off. I have about $1200 there and after taxes I should have about $1000 to apply to my credit. I just have to go through the arduous process of getting the money from Manulife. Yay...

Things are looking up

So I've managed to get to 136.2 from 139 at the beginning of the week. Making progress.

I sent D out for groceries on Tuesday and the list consisted of only fruits, veggies and some lean meats.

I've been fasting all day at work. An Americano in the morning with a bit of skim milk for breakfast and then just water and tea all day. I have a back-up banana or those quinoa crisps but I haven't gone to those yet. I did have some veggies yesterday at lunch because I was in a meeting with my boss that went over lunch but that was it. At home, I've made meals from Clean Eating. All the portions have been under 300 cals. Today, I'm going to up my dinner intake because my foot is better!!! Time to test out my new running shoes at the gym tonight!!

I came in second place in my office hockey pool. I won $54!! Saving that for some patio $$ on Saturday. I'm going on a double date with D and his coworker to the Byward Market to sit on a patio and people watch all night. And maybe partake in some alcohol beverages. Like I said in my last post, I will be spending my Father's day smoking a Turkey. Lean meat and self basted as it's on a spit but no extra grease or oil added to it. My Aunt is bringing some Quebec strawberries for dessert. I'm quite excited. They're very tiny and extremely sweet and tasty. Very different from Ontario strawberries.

I've found a website that will ship OxyElite Pro to Canada but the shipping is 30$! it would cost me nearly 80$ to ship ONE bottle! I'm not sure if it's worth it. I've heard only good things about the results OxyElite has but I'm not really willing to pay $80 to ship it from the US. Thoughts??

Anyways, I should get back to work. I need to figure out how the hell I'm going to fill 15 spots before the end of the summer. We need to get at least another $300,000 in tuition and fees. Anyone from the states know of anyone looking for a boarding school for this year (ages 6-15)???? Nah don't worry I'm just being silly.

Hello all lovelies!

So I did manage to maintain this weekend until yesterday/saturday night. I went to my parents' on Friday since my dad had been away on business all week and had just returned. My mom made home made ribs and pad thai. It's really awesome and probably I share this with my dad at being one of our favourite meals my mom makes. We then finished off dinner with some fresh Ontario strawberries (my favourite season!). I skipped the cream and just had them plain. I didn't want to overpower the sweetness of local fruit. Saturday, I went to the nursery with my mom and grandmother and helped them get things for their gardens. We went back to my parents' and I helped out in the garden (as much as my foot would allow me to) and did the cooking and tidying while I couldn't be working. We had burgers for lunch (I skipped the top bun and the slaw and chips) but then my grandparents came over for dinner and my mom made home made pasta and sauce. I think my mom thinks I'm skinny or something because she's giving me servings that match D. I don't see how she can think that because I'm sitting back at what I was before the wedding and she was criticizing me about my weight. Sunday wasn't too bad though. I didn't have breakfast, but I had a tall coffee frap light from Starbucks and then went to the beach. I spent about an hour blowing up balloons and then climbing trees to tie the balloons to them to help T get ready for the party. The food was all great (obvs because it's T) veggies, fruit, lots of water, and little wraps with only mustard. I had lots of veggies and lots of water. I got super burnt yesterday so I'm trying to nurse my shoulders to a point where I can wear a normal bra again (currently sporting a strapless) let alone a sports bra. I got back home and immediately applied aloe gel to the burns and then got changed to go to the movies with D and my cousin. D wanted to go to a patio for a beer before hand so I had a drink with him and my cousin. I didn't get any food at the theatre (woo hoo!) and only had my water. We saw Prometheus. OMG it was amazing! I suggest you go see it in IMAX (it's 3D but the 3D doesn't do anything) it is gorgeous and they calibrated the sound to make full use of the speakers! The theatre SHOOK at points in the movie. It was a great experience.

I bought new running shoes on Friday too. I have a pair of Saucony's now rather than Asics. I found that Asics dig too much into my feet at various points. These shoes feel like I'm almost not wearing anything!! Can't wait to give them a go in the gym this week!

So today, no food. Well I have a gluten/sugar/dairy/egg free wafer that's sectioned into 4 pieces. One wafer is 100 cals. So if I'm DYING (since I haven't fasted in ever) I can have a 25 cal nibble. I'm not even going to eat when I get home. No matter what D says. I've already taken my pills (thermogenic, diuretic, viatmin E + D, Omega 3-6-9 and chromium pilconate) which will put my stomach off for a couple of hours since it's alot to process. I also have a venti Americano with no milk I'll be nursing this morning. I plan on having at least 3L of water before I leave work today and I have my arsenal of teas for back up as well.

This weekend is yet ANOTHER food-centric weekend. Saturday I'm helping my mom make strawberry jam and compotes (read: local strawberries) and then I'm going downtown to sit on a patio with D and his work buddy and his girlfriend. I plan on doing a salad with no dressing that day because...Sunday, my whole family is coming up for Father's Day to smoke a turkey. Sunday will be my undoing. I will have to stay away from the nibblings that will be laid out as the turkey turns on the spit.

I really need this injury to heal faster. I want to get to the gym ASAP as my weight is just going higher and higher and higher because I'm not on my feet for 8 hours a day anymore. I think I will be bringing my lunches with me to work from now on. I don't know what they put in the food here but I can't control it and even the dressing for the salads are too high cal. I asked for beets to be put in the salad bar (double use as dressing) but they wont because they don't want to stain the kids' uniforms. So here on out, bringing my own lunches (read: more like snacks) to work. I need to drop these gained lbs in the next 4 weeks before New Jersey. I know I can TOTALLY do it. I just have to take control and not eating work food is step 1.

Well I should get to work lovelies, I have to close admissions for the coming year.

Hello my lovelies!

Sorry for being M.I.A lately. I've been trying to post for the last week and a bit. It's just been too busy at work and I haven't had the house to myself in a while to be able to blog at home.

So. I spiked up to 138 on the weekend and that pretty much was a huge slap in the face. I went with my parents to their gym for a circuit class. It was awesome. I kept up (with what exercises didn't aggravate my shoulder) and did really well. I was sore for a couple days afterwards because I hadn't done anything that vigorous in ages. However, my running shoes have gone to crap. I have this awful knot in the arch of my right foot. and it's protruding too so I can't wear much else except for flip flops and one pair of flats. I can only buy new shoes this weekend after I get paid so I haven't been able to get to the gym since Saturday with the crazy hurting foot and bad shoes that would only make the problem worse if I used them again. So I'm going to the Running Room on Saturday to get fitted for a good pair of shoes that wont aggravate my knees and keep my feet supported.

I've managed this week already to drop 2.4 lbs. I know 2 were water weight since I lost it in a day. But I lost 0.4 the next day and I'm sitting steady there the last day or so. I haven't eaten out once this week (small victory) and I haven't had the hot meal here at the school. I've stuck with a small salad with lots of veggies and a handful of cherries to snack on throughout the day. At home, I've had a protein heavy meal with steamed veggies. I'm trying to keep carbs at a low.

My mom is taking me and my sister out of Indian food tonight, so today I'm only having my coffee, tea, water and salad at lunch. I didn't bring a snack with me so I can make up for the calories for tonight. Tomorrow will be a repeat and for dinner I probably won't have any. If I do, it will just be a salad or some steamed veggies.

I hope to be in the 134 range by this weekend. T is having a surprised birthday party for her husband on Sunday. It's not a bad thing, but it's at the beach. It will be a lot of fun, but I don't want to be out there in my bathing suit. I'm not ready yet. If I can drop down another 2lbs by Sunday I think I'll be able to live with myself. Until then, I'm wishing for rain so it's moved to her house.

So I have about a month and a half to save up $$ to go to New Jersey with. I got my latest municipal tax bill so D and I have to toss down another $1600 before the end of the month. Hopefully I can get some good $$ down on my credit card before then. I have been able to keep a good $250 available on it at any given time. Better than being maxed out. Hopefully I can get it down another $1000 before I leave for vacation. 3 pay cheques should allow me to do just that. I hope D has been saving his pennies too for the trip. We won't be doing much shopping but we're going to pay for dinner one night (if we can get our credit cards to the waiter in time before my dad does) and we'll want to pitch in for groceries and booze.

I also want to get my hair cleaned up before I go away. I'm currently trying to let it grow out, but my fringe is at a weird length and the ends just look untidy. My layers are grown out and are making the bottom of my hair look heavy. I'm not sure if I'm going to colour it or not (I'd like to) but I have to see what my wallet says when the time comes around. But just freshening up the cut works for me as well.

I do have to say that I need some more shorts. I had to donate the ones I had last year because they were too big. I just haven't found a good pair that fits nicely. I don't want to spend tons of cash on shorts, but the only ones that have fit me nicely so far have been over $100. I just can't justify that. I have my eye on a pair of white jeans from the same store that are only $30 more than the shorts. How does THAT work?? My packing list looks like this:

Linen pants, 5 dresses, 4 plain t-shirts, jeans, 3 bikinis, skirt, sandals, flip flops, 2 light sweaters, running shorts, yoga pants, gym shirts and my running shoes. All I would like to add to that is a pair of jean shorts. But I look to be good with what I already have.

Well back to work I go. I have acceptance packages to get done in the next hour!

Well...Ya...

So I did super well Friday. Friday night I had a Donair (super salty and I was up all night trying to process the sodium). I retained a shit-ton of water and spent the day drinking water and coffee trying to get rid of the water weight. I did have a small veggie omelette for brunch on Saturday and then a cookie in the afternoon from Subway. Saturday night I went out with my cousin's girlfriend and some of her friends for dinner and drinks. I ended up having the veggie Pad Thai. It had loads of veggies and more bean sprouts than noodles but the sauce probably topped off the calories on that. I had a belini and a glass of white wine with dinner and then a vodka cranberry at the bar. On the way back from the bar, the girls stopped at McDonald's, they offered to buy me something (I paid one girl's cover) but I declined. I did have 5 fries but better than having a meal or anything.

The next morning, my aunt and uncle made a big breakfast for all of us. I had a croissant and a 2 egg omelette with veggies a tiny bit of cheese and 2 strips of bacon. I didn't eat anything else until we got home yesterday afternoon. I did have a Peach Snapple in the car, when we picked up this awesome focaccia pizza at my favourite deli in Montreal. When we got home I ate what would be the equivalent of 3 slices of pizza (1/4 slab) and then had an apple, some crackers and then I just guzzled water all night. I know it doesn't sound like a lot that I ate, but I woke up this morning and weighed in at 137. I definitely cried. I haven`t seen that number on the scale since before Christmas (minus period bloat). I'm so close to 140 again it's scaring me.

I'm not going down for lunch today. I have my water, tea and about 2 cups of cantaloupe and about 6 packs of gum. I'm going to the gym tonight no matter what. I have my gym bag beside me as I type. I've been slacking in the workout department. I have been 100% sedentary, which is probably why I've been gaining like crazy and not being able to lose.

This week is going to be pretty uneventful. D and I are doing a double date with T and her husband. We're going for dinner and then going to see Snow White and the Huntsman. I'm still on the fence for the movie. I love Chris Hemsworth and Charlize Theron, but Kristen Stewart...I can't stand her. I hope she's not SO much of a focal point. I don't think I could sit through a movie where she doesn't emote one bit. Anyways, Saturday is going to be a task of figuring out what the hell I can eat at whatever restaurant we go to. Friday I have a work-ish thing. It's an Alumni pub night for the school I work at. I'm going as staff and as Alum so it will be interesting. But once again, cocktails and probably finger foods.

Anyways, I'm getting back to work. I have a lot to do.

Baby steps, when added up, take you miles

I'm so proud of myself this morning. I woke up at 136 and thought to myself, "Enough of this. I'm better than this." I told myself I would stick to under 500 cals today with only milk in my coffee. I packed myself an apple and 1.5L of water for work today. When I went to Starbucks, I passed up on the pastries (which I had an insane craving for). What made me even prouder (is that a word??) this morning, I was in the staff room and the kitchen brought in almond croissants and cupcakes as a Friday "treat" and I packed up my things and went back to my office. Without any pastry. It was hard. I looked at everything and all my co-workers taking from the tray and stuffing themselves with the food. My sweet tooth has been absolutely insane these last few days and all I want to do is cater to it. I've become addicted to sugar again. I need to kick the habit and really get my ass in gear. Baby steps. That's all I can say to myself. I did well in passing up something, which I'm still craving.

After work today, I'm getting a manicure and then D and I are packing up and heading to Montreal. Hopefully I can keep making these little milestones and come out on top after the weekend. I hope to be back at 134 by the time I wake up Monday morning. Nothing huge, but something showing me I'm on the right track. My tea on my desk is going to be my go-to for my mid-afternoon sweet tooth. I'm thinking of my jellybean tea (15 cals) and then I'll be having a booster juice while I'm at my mani.

On another note, I've been watching my stats lately. My daily readership is up. I guess I'm doing something right that people are reading this, but it's so quiet here, if I didn't see my followers and the daily stats I would think no one reads. I want to say, however quiet you all are I appreciate that you all still take the time to read my ramblings as repetitive or mundane as they are.

Anyways lovelies, I should actually do some work today to make the day go by a little faster for tonight. Wish me luck.

Yes I'm FAT

Gross.
Ignore the mess

Hello lovelies.

So I'm just losing control. I'm on a runaway gain-train. I'm heading to Fatsville and everything is falling to crap.

I'm so lethargic and apathetic it's taking over my life. My house is in shambles (yes I still haven't cleaned it yet) my finances are horrid (still have those maxed out credit cards and they wont be paid off any time soon) and my intake is just atrocious (ate horribly all long weekend). I don't know where this downward spiral is coming from and it scares me to death. I feel as though I've lost all control and I don't know how to get it back.

This weekend, I ate out Saturday night. I didn't eat all day then had a burger and fries at a pub then got DQ for dessert. Sunday I ate junk most of the day after working in the yard for a good 3 hours then ate ribs, nachos, smoked fish and drank lots of wine at a BBQ at a neighbour's. Monday, I ate out again (only a salad but lots of dressing on it an half a pear and brie sandwich) then another BBQ with ribs and pasta salad. Yesterday started off great then I ate half a box of Triscuits then D made home made philly cheese steak sandwiches. I didn't bother weighing myself because my new work pants were hard to zip up this morning. I'm huge, I'm gross and I can't stop. I can't sleep because I'm panicking from my days intake and then the stress from not doing anything is making everything worse.

Even if I wanted to try to fix things this week(end) I can't. I'm going to Montreal to visit my cousins and some friends and celebrate my cousin's birthday. There's a big UFC fight on Saturday night and a bunch of guys are getting together. So. Cue in pizza, booze, chips, wings and whatever fatty-greasy-grossnesses you can think of. The girls are planning on escaping for a mini girls' night but that costs $$ and will involve processed foods and booze as well. I can't win. And since I'm staying at my Aunt and Uncle's there will be massively huge breakfasts both mornings. I'm getting anxious just thinking about it. I don't want to go but I know my cousins really want me there.

I hung out with T on Monday and we were talking about all sorts of stuff and the topic of body image came up (as it typically does with us). She's pregnant again so she's worried about gaining too much but still trying to live normally and keep up her activity level as the baby grows. She started dishing out compliments and stuff as I was saying I need to get to the gym (as I've probably bored you all to tears with by now) and that I have too much fat on me. I got the whole blah blah blah you're not fat, you look great, you have great curves blah blah blah. I hate being humoured and I despise people trying to placate me. She's 3 months pregnant with a bump already and she still fits into size 4/5 pants. I'm lucky these days to squeeze into a 6. I'm tired of being the biggest out of our group. I'm tired of being the squishiest. I'm sick not measuring up to the rest of my friends. I don't even know why I even bother trying any more.

Whatever.

Sorry for posting this but I had to get it out. Thanks for reading this if you got this far. I hope not to post depressing stuff after this. I don't like posting this stuff but I can't pretend my life is perfect.