Monday, April 15, 2013

change to making comments

Hello Lovelies,

I just wanted to let you all know that I've now added the captcha verification to my comments. I am being flooded with constant spam comments trying to sell me penis enlargement pills.

Sorry for adding the extra step.

Not much new for me over here.

Still sick and tired of not budging in any way in my weight or measurements. I just feel gross all the time now. I'm not sure if it's a mental thing or if something is not working with me.

I'm so looking forward to when the school year is over so I can go back to restricting again. I hate how my boss forces me to go and eat. She is so triggering. She's always been an over weight woman, and has done every fad diet that has ever come out. It's an obsession. She's gone gluten and dairy free to try to lose the weight but it's not working. She's hiding behind some sort of rubbish homoeopathic diagnosis, but yet she is addicted to artificial sweetners and diet everything. Now, I know 0 calorie sugary drinks can be considered a god send when having a treat, but it's more than should be consumed. 2 packs of slpenda in every coffee she has and when she's not drinking coffee she's drinking 0 calorie cranberry cocktail (no nutritional value) or diet sodas. She barely drinks water and is always eating. Whenever we go to eat lunch, she is always commenting on how skinny I am, how she shouldn't be eating and that I don't eat enough. I get the comments, you can eat anything since you're so skinny!! Combine that with the poor selection of food that is served here at the school makes me hate even walking through the dining room during the day.

Anyways, sorry for the rant. Works got me buried but I just wanted to update you all on where I am.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Feeling low (again)

Hello lovelies,

So, as it happens every few weeks, I'm in my low slump again. I just have this overwhelming sense of inadequacy. Like I should be further along in what I want to do with my life. Now this could just be stress with the fact we have 2 empty classes going into next year and we're having trouble filling spots and we've had quite a few kids withdraw for next year. So that pressure might have an effect. But I'm also feeling that everyone else just more successful at life over all.

I have friends that have kids that are managing life, family and self perfectly. Friends that are abso-fucking-lutely phenomenal at keeping up with their personal goals. One friend is now a fully certified life coach and is starting a whole new business (she's been running her own businesses since we graduated university), 2 friends competing in Figure and Bikini Model competitions in the coming weeks and have stuck with their diets and their workout plans for months without straying. Friends successful in their jobs with the freedom to change at will knowing they wont have to negotiate for their salaries and what value they would bring to companies. Friends and co-workers that are able to plan vacations or getaways at a moment's notice.

Here I am, struggling to juggle all aspects of my life. I just don't seem to add up or measure up to where I thought I would be. Sometimes I think, what's the point of trying to do more or get better when I always just seem to fall short of anything great. I'm just OK. I'm not successful, I'm not inspirational, I am just existing. I don't know how to feel fulfilled. I don't know how to be satisfied. I don't know what's missing.

I hate this feeling this general discontent.

I wish I was something.