Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Hello lovelies.

So not much new in the world of me. Just feeling generally BLAH. I feel apathetic, moody, uncomfortable, not right in my own skin and above everything else fat. And not just "Ew, I'm bloated and feel puffy!" I mean HUGE, GARGANTUAN, OBESE. I just don't feel like me. Nothing is fitting right and looks like a sack on me. I know I should be happy that my clothes are too big, but because I can't buy the right size clothes I have to make do in clothes that don't fit. I look like a whale in them. I can't stand being in my own skin at the moment. I'm breaking out and retaining water like there's no tomorrow. I couldn't take enough diuretics to fight this.

So D wont be able to come to Montreal with me this weekend. I'm not sure if I had told you all that his assistant manager got in an accident and has been in the hospital because he had a collapsed lung. So D has to work this weekend. It's sad and I have to make the trip on my own in crummy weather in the evening. I'm not sure if I should bus or borrow my mom's car and make the drive. I haven't figured out what would be cheaper for me. It's supposed to rain on Friday so that makes me a little nervous to drive by myself but the bus is going to cost me $70 plus tax. Then there is the wait time at the stations and such. Where the car I can just get there when I get there and there are no wait times.


Well I hope this funk passes. Maybe a good night's sleep will help. I know I didn't sleep well last night. I was too warm. Here's hoping.

Friday, September 14, 2012


All I can say is that I'm glad I can't use my credit cards...

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

I love you ALL!

I just wanted to say to you all that you girls are amazing. No matter how upset, down on myself or hopeless I get, you are always there to show me the brighter side of things and that I'm never alone. You girls just GET me. Sometimes I feel so much closer with you all then my best friends. I can say anything, tell you anything without worrying that you think I'm being over dramatic or over analysing things. I feel that my real life friends can be judgemental (not in a cruel way) sometimes and they can't fully grasp my concerns and fears. It is just such a shame that all of you, my lovelies are, so far away.

If you ever want to contact me and talk outside of the blogger-verse you can e-mail me at:

Just let me know who you are. You can also add me to Facebook with that e-mail. I just want you all to know that I'm here for you whenever you need me. :)

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Monday, September 10, 2012

So, still bummed about my money situation. Who knows how I'm going to fix this. Sigh.

Kitty: Before I found out about my RRSP deductions D and I made pretty much the same. He made about $50 more than me. However, the odd pay for him, if he works a lot of extra hours during the week he will sometimes get paid out for some of them and then his cheque will be a bit more. He then takes that money and puts some to his credit cards or into savings for when we want to go do something (like our Montreal trip in a couple of weeks). Basically I just have to be really careful with my money and put a lot more into my "untouchable" accounts.

I think I'm going to make an appointment with the bank on Friday afternoon to find out what I can do. At least I'm putting away $50 each pay for my iPhone in October when it's released. Right now I'm sitting at $225 in that account with 3 more pays (at least) before I get the phone. Who knows what it's going to cost me with a contract and everything but I still will have just over $400 for the phone.

So I'm off the OxyElite Pro now. I finished the bottle last week and I'm back up at 132.8. I'm so disgusted and upset. Mind you my eating hasn't been as clean as it has been over the last bit of the summer, and I'm eating lunch at school again. They are the first pills that have done ANYTHING for me since I started taking diet pills. I know I have to take a 4 week hiatus from taking them before I can start up again, but with only one website that ships to Canada and a $40 shipping cost makes the whole transaction over $80. And that doesn't even include duty upon delivery. One bottle could cost me $100. I don't know if that's worth it. But I'm so upset that I spiked 4 lbs over the weekend. The first bit was due to my period, but now that it's over I haven't gone down at all.

D and I went out for our anniversary dinner on Saturday night and I just felt like a whale. Nothing seemed to fit right and I just looked bulgy and lumpy. Nothing I did made me look normal. It was really hard to enjoy myself and the beautifully prepared food. How is it that I have so many issues with food but I am a full fledged foodie? That always baffles my mind. I get so much anxiety over going out for a meal or even cooking one but I go crazy for flavours and textures and new experiences. This is probably unheard of to all of you. What has me going even crazier is that when I go for my girls' day at the end of the month, here is what is tentatively planned. Brunch, then helping J pack along with drinks and munchies, time at a Nordic spa (only a couple bucks to use the baths) or mani/pedis, then either dinner out or at someone's house then more drinking and then out dancing. Not only will this be a day of calories, but money spending. I'm trying to push for dinner to be at someone's place to save money but C (who's offered to host) is a really picky eater and will probably serve fettucini alfredo or something equally carby and fatty. Brunch is going to be tough if it's at a place like Cora's (huge portions and lots of cals in all their food). But if I don't eat during the day, when I go to drink I'm going to get hit super hard and get sick. I'm freaking out just thinking about that.


I just wish I didn't care. All my friends are just so tiny and don't have stupid repercussions like me when they eat the wrong thing the wrong way. I just can't let myself get fat like I was 3 years ago. I know where I am is my body's "happy" spot. I can function like this but I just hate looking at myself at this weight. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I avoid them as much as possible. I really only spend time in front of the mirror when I get ready in the mornings.

Anyways, I should probably stop. I'm just in such a funk and I don't want to bring you lovelies down with me.

Friday, September 7, 2012

I hate money

It seems as though every day some new money problem comes up. It's really starting to stress me out. My credit cards never seem to get lower. My bills just seem to get bigger. And my needs just seem to become more.

I went through my closet the last couple of weeks getting ready for the new season and taking stock of what didn't fit, what I don't wear anymore etc. I discovered that I don't have office appropriate attire for fall/winter. Which makes sense since I worked in a Costco for the last 2 years. All I have are jeans t-shirts, sweaters and hoodies. I can't wear that to work. The stuff I wore when I was in the office when I started this blog don't fit. Which I'm glad they don't because I was almost 30 lbs heavier!! So I need a new 3 piece suit (pants skirt and jacket) and then some tops. I don't need much. I have casual wear for the most part down. I've cleaned out my closet and gotten rid of old and ill fitting things. But I don't have the money. I just can't afford to prepare myself for work. I can't.

I just found out these last 6 months working here they messed up my RRSP contributions. They're supposed to add their contribution to my pay-cheque and then remove theirs and mine to my RRSP account. They only  put their contribution. Now I'm lucky they're not going to remove my contributions over the last 6 months but from here on in I'm going to have $130 less on my pay each cheque. That $130 was my me money. The odd manicure or restocking my closet. I will now be broke every single Monday after pay.

500 to my mortgage, 50 to the gym, 50 to my savings, 200 to my credit card, 150 to groceries, and 150 to my phone/cable/internet bill. That's each pay cheque. Boom I'm broke. D pays the same 500 for the mortgage plus his student loan and pays about 350 in utilities and then usually picks up the tab in other bills like property taxes and our car insurance.

How the hell am I supposed to afford anything? How can I pay off anything. How am I to afford Montreal in 3 weeks?

I almost want to take a second job but then I'd never see my husband or anyone else for that matter.

On a happier note, for Harlow and Kitty this was T's leg workout yesterday (she posted it on FB) this will give you and idea of how crazy she still is going:

Fast and furious glute & hamstring workout today: 
4 sets x 40 walking lunges 
3 sets single leg cable glute kickbacks
4 sets single leg hamstring curls
3 drop sets abductors
and finished with 5 sets x 20 3/4 leg presses

..... all in 35 minutes!! Yup, stairs are going to be a problem tomorrow, lol.

Sorry I needed to vent there. I didn't mean to be so depressing.