Update

So I chose a dress. One I kinda forgot I had. See picture:

So I had to buy a necklace for it as I didn't have one that was formal enough. Being a woman does suck. So tomorrow is hair and mani.

I wasn't really able to actually do lettuce and water. That was a bit of an exaggeration. I did retain water this week but this morning I came down with a tummy bug. Basically it was like I took a whole lot of lax. No more lumpy tummy.

I'll post again tomorrow when I'm all done up to show you all the finished product.

Oh what colour should I do my nails?? I am wearing black with nude shoes and clutch and my jewelry is gold with nude-y pink accents.

Let me know!!!!!

Well then...

Soo. Good news.

I didn't have to buy that dress after all. Since it would be impossible to get. Yay saved money!!!






Until this morning....




I just found out I have to go to a gala this weekend with work.         I don't have a dress.....


So. I'm raiding T's and my sister's closet tonight to try to avoid buying something. Next step is to book a hair appointment and my nails. I'm doing my best to find a dress that will work with a pair of gold glitter pumps (closed toe) so I don't have to get a pedicure. That will save me at least $30. Hair if I can get it booked, can be done for around 50$ because it wont be an updo just a styling. Make-up I'll do myself.

So ideally, all I will have to spend for this gala is parking, and $80-ish for esthetics.

On a similar note, I'm not eating for the rest of the week so I look fabulous for this thing. Only lettuce and water.

Managing

Hello lovelies,

So things still feel empty and lonely, but D's assistant has returned to work so he should be working less now than he has been for the last 2 months. But the habits have formed and he's still passing out early in the evening and not making it up to bed. I have told him how much I have missed him and just feel that I'm not really a priority for him.

I want to thank Miranda for her comment on my last post. I'm not sure if you saw my reply, but I needed that tough love. It really opened my eyes to snap out of it and to really work at pulling myself out of that destructive spiral. Please e-mail me Miranda so we can have a chat over budgeting. tkaye03@gmail.com

One of the "pen pals" I have has recently relapsed from almost a year of recovery. She texted me last night saying that she couldn't hold on anymore an that things were just falling apart and that she had slipped back because it was the only thing constant and guaranteed in her life. I feel so bad for her because she was able to spend a year living a normal life, back at school found an amazing boyfriend and took up running that introduced her to a whole new social circle. I have been so proud of her and it's hard for me to see her slip back into this mess. I've told her that I will support her and comfort her during all this but if things get scary, I have to voice my opinion. I'm hoping it's just the stress of her exams and her hesitation of finishing her law degree. I just hope she will be ok.

This week I'm taking things really slowly. I'm trying to keep my school day intake to under 300 cals and then dinner under 500 for a max intake of 800. I've been doing little workouts in my office when I need a good stretch so I'm not sedentary all day long. I don't burn much but it's something and it's getting me back in the habit of being active. My goal is to start going to the gym again by mid November. My work schedule and my driving schedule with D is starting to even out again so I will be able to really build a schedule. I just have to talk to D about our meals and that he will have to cook while I'm at the gym.

I'm currently freaking out over J's choice for a bridesmaid dress. It's gorgeous. It's a black dress with a lace overlay from Banana Republic's Monogram Collection. She decided on Wednesday that it was the dress she wanted and because it's in the stores now for the holidays it's going fast. So, T (who is 7 months pregnant) and I thought it was a little too sudden on cost and early for fittings and such sucked it up (because it was what the bride wanted) and went to go try it on/buy it but found out that it's only available in the stand-alone stores, not the ones in the malls. In other words, nowhere in Ottawa. We would have to go to Toronto or Montreal. So the girls in MTL are buying them today and are going to see if they can order dresses for T and I for when we're down at the end of November for K's engagement party. T will be 2 weeks from her due date (still unable to try things on properly) and will have to guess at a size and who knows if the dress will still be in stock in a month. Since the other girls are buying the dress today, J has said that worst case scenario, T and I can wear just plain black satin dresses. What a way to make us feel like we suck and can't do anything. Then it runs into a problems how this black satin dress is going to look with the other dress and what cut, and style J will want. It's getting way too complicated too early and it's really stressing me out. The funny thing is, is that since T and I said that we can't buy the dress here in Ottawa, J hasn't responded to any of the texts that have been circulating.

Well here's to saving up $220 for a dress in the next couple of weeks and being stuck at weighing whatever I am at at that time. Oh well.

Anyways, off to work I go. I'm taking new photos of the school to update our marketing materials. Oh speaking of the school, could you all follow this link and watch the video on Dr. Agatha Sidlauskas and vote for her by the end of the day?? She's in the running for the People's Choice award from the Amazing Person of 2012. We need all the votes we can get. You can't vote multiple times with one e-mail but use any e-mail you can and please pass it on!

http://ottawa.ctvnews.ca/features/amazing-people

In a bad place

Hello all,

Sorry I haven't been posting or commenting of late. I just haven't been me lately.

As you all know D has been in a crappy situation with work for the past few months and has been working a lot more since his assistant had his accident a while back. He hasn't had a day off in over 50 days and I barely see him anymore. We manage to share a meal (definitely not home cooked) and then shortly after he passes out for the rest of the night. This leaves me pretty much alone all night. I can't even wake him up to get him off the couch to come to bed. I have slept alone for so long I've lost count of exactly how long. When he is home early on one of his "days off" he doesn't want to do ANYTHING other than lay on the couch. It's a struggle to have him willingly go to the odd Sunday dinner with my family. And when he does go, he's so reclusive that it's embarrassing.

ANYWAYS. I have just been so lonely and depressed with really no one to talk to about it. T is gearing up to have her baby in 2 months, J just moved to Vancouver, K (who I visited recently) I don't feel close enough to her to share these kinds of worries AND she just got engaged so why would I bring up my relationship problems while she's on cloud 9?? My elementary school friend V just has no relationship knowledge because she's never been in one (but that's a whole long story I will not bore you all with). So basically I have no one to talk to. I know you will all say well you should tell D how you feel. Well, if I'm tired or feeling sick or not perfectly happy or perky he basically gets pissy and tells me there's no way I should be feeling the way I am compared to him. I tell him it's not a contest, and I can be tired for my very own reasons. I've told him I want to spend more time with him doing things and being together. Even menial things like running errands and such. He just tells me to take his debit card and he will see me in a couple of hours. If I bug him enough he'll begrudgingly get off the couch and come with me. I just don't know what to do.

To top it off, I had a classmate from uni reconnect with me these last few weeks on LinkedIn. Cool right? Sure. But we never were friends, he was just a "consultant" for a project I was working on for one of my classes. He was the VP of the Finance committee at the school and our project was a case study on opening an investment firm. I was the team leader so I was the one that spoke to him mostly. Otherwise we didn't run in the same circles much but chatted on MSN from time to time. After uni when I went to college, we started talking more. We got to know each other and had an online flirtation and were making plans for him to come visit me to see if these "feelings" were more or less real and to possibly attempt starting a relationship as I was going to be finishing my program and moving home in a couple of months. We never got to meet up because he got a job offer at a bank or financial company in the UK and had to start very quickly after he got the job. We kept talking a bit but fell out of touch with the time difference. From there I met D, and you all know the rest of the story...So, he's back in Canada now living in Toronto trying reconnect with people from uni. We've been sending the odd message back and forth over LinkedIn, and then he shot out there that if I was ever in T.O. that we should go for drinks and catch up. I agreed but I never go but doesn't hurt to agree. We keep talking and he keeps bringing it up that when I go down we should meet up. He knows I'm married and he's married with a kid. ANYWAYS, he's helping me with deciphering my group plan at work since he's in Finance and all. Networking has it's perks. Well we exchanged our new e-mails to talk over MSN to make things easier than the inbox on LinkedIn. After our first convo on MSN, he gave me his cell number saying that I could text him whenever. Just weird. Now the part that's not so innocent. I have been thoroughly enjoying our conversations. And we talk the entire work day. I get giddy almost. It scares me. I'm not sure if this is a result from my loneliness and is just me looking for attention anywhere, or if this is something I should be really worried about. But this is making me worry. I've just been so confused.

Throw in my emotional eating when I get stressed and boom I'm freaking out about everything. Lack of social life, looking for a social life elsewhere, and eating so horribly that I have had a stomach ache for the last 2 weeks is just destroying me. I lay awake at night wondering what's wrong with me and why I'm thinking the way I am.

I just wish I had someone I could just vent this completely to and get advice or feedback or understanding on what's going on with me. I'm sorry to have dumped this all here but I have no where else to vent. I have been putting on a super happy face trying to pretend that everything is great and that I'm strong and understanding and patient. But all I feel is weak, confused and anxious. My Twitter has been found by D's best work buddy and he's following me now so I have be VERY careful what I tweet. So that outlet has has up and gone. Oh well. Hopefully this will pass over once D is back to normal.

Long time no see

Hello Lovelies!

Sorry for being so M.I.A.

No excuse really just haven't really had anything to blog about.

ANYWAYS.

I'm bouncing between 129 and 131. Literally. I mean, I'm either 129 dead on or I'm 131 dead on. I never graze 130 just bouncing between those 2 lbs like a ping pong ball or something. Kinda weird....

My weekend with the girls was amazing. I had a blast. I went absolutely broke. The baths at the spa costed $55 after taxes (I did not expect that) and I spent about $100 in gas, and food for the potluck, $$ for cover at the bar and brunch on Saturday morning. Also I had to buy a new pair of flats because my favourites fell apart in the rain on the Friday I went down. No really. Fell apart. As in, unsalvageable, destroyed, no longer shoes. So, Payless had nothing and there was barely anything on the sale racks that were left over from the summer in my size at the other stores. I almost caved and bought a pair of $110 studded tuxedo slippers from Nine West but stopped myself and went for a $65 pair of black suede loafers from Aldo. For necessity, I think I did pretty well.

Anyways, so that Saturday night at the bar was a lot of fun. The bar was called Electric Avenue, and they play all the kitschy, poppy songs from the 70s-90s. There was a lot of awesome 80s and a lot disco, and the odd boy band thrown in here and there. I played eye games with a hunk in the dance circle across from us and got hit on by a dorky looking college kid. Gotta give props to the kid though he did walk through the centre of a girls-only dance circle to talk to me and politely asked me to dance and didn't give me a hard time when I said no.


Well, work has been keeping me busy. I have to prepare a report on ways to increase our revenue for next week's board meeting and I have to build a brochure and get it printed and sent out for the middle of November. No rest pour moi.

Speaking of which. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight for D. The poor man gets no rest, and he is just drained when he comes home. I never see him anymore. He comes home, eats dinner and then passes out on the couch within the next hour. And when he does fall asleep he's gone for the rest of the night. I have no way of waking him up. He's not aware that I'll spend an hour every night trying to wake him up to come to bed. He hasn't slept in bed with me a full night in almost a month now. He eventually wanders up at about 4 am or so but then he has to get up for work at 5. I really do miss my hubby. I feel so bad for him that he has no way to have a days rest at any point. Today was day 32 of working straight. He's done the odd half day (6 am - 3pm) but that's been about it. No real days off in over a month. :(

I got my period today, and my face erupted like a volcano! I seriously haven't had a breakout like this since high school! I thought my skin was bad for a 26 year old but this is straight out 14 year old skin today. Just awful. No amount of make-up could cover it up an it would only make the situation worse!! Hot compresses tonight along with a mask of some sort. BAH! Stupid hormones.

Well back to work I go. Hope you are all doing well!~