Wednesday, October 17, 2012

In a bad place

Hello all,

Sorry I haven't been posting or commenting of late. I just haven't been me lately.

As you all know D has been in a crappy situation with work for the past few months and has been working a lot more since his assistant had his accident a while back. He hasn't had a day off in over 50 days and I barely see him anymore. We manage to share a meal (definitely not home cooked) and then shortly after he passes out for the rest of the night. This leaves me pretty much alone all night. I can't even wake him up to get him off the couch to come to bed. I have slept alone for so long I've lost count of exactly how long. When he is home early on one of his "days off" he doesn't want to do ANYTHING other than lay on the couch. It's a struggle to have him willingly go to the odd Sunday dinner with my family. And when he does go, he's so reclusive that it's embarrassing.

ANYWAYS. I have just been so lonely and depressed with really no one to talk to about it. T is gearing up to have her baby in 2 months, J just moved to Vancouver, K (who I visited recently) I don't feel close enough to her to share these kinds of worries AND she just got engaged so why would I bring up my relationship problems while she's on cloud 9?? My elementary school friend V just has no relationship knowledge because she's never been in one (but that's a whole long story I will not bore you all with). So basically I have no one to talk to. I know you will all say well you should tell D how you feel. Well, if I'm tired or feeling sick or not perfectly happy or perky he basically gets pissy and tells me there's no way I should be feeling the way I am compared to him. I tell him it's not a contest, and I can be tired for my very own reasons. I've told him I want to spend more time with him doing things and being together. Even menial things like running errands and such. He just tells me to take his debit card and he will see me in a couple of hours. If I bug him enough he'll begrudgingly get off the couch and come with me. I just don't know what to do.

To top it off, I had a classmate from uni reconnect with me these last few weeks on LinkedIn. Cool right? Sure. But we never were friends, he was just a "consultant" for a project I was working on for one of my classes. He was the VP of the Finance committee at the school and our project was a case study on opening an investment firm. I was the team leader so I was the one that spoke to him mostly. Otherwise we didn't run in the same circles much but chatted on MSN from time to time. After uni when I went to college, we started talking more. We got to know each other and had an online flirtation and were making plans for him to come visit me to see if these "feelings" were more or less real and to possibly attempt starting a relationship as I was going to be finishing my program and moving home in a couple of months. We never got to meet up because he got a job offer at a bank or financial company in the UK and had to start very quickly after he got the job. We kept talking a bit but fell out of touch with the time difference. From there I met D, and you all know the rest of the story...So, he's back in Canada now living in Toronto trying reconnect with people from uni. We've been sending the odd message back and forth over LinkedIn, and then he shot out there that if I was ever in T.O. that we should go for drinks and catch up. I agreed but I never go but doesn't hurt to agree. We keep talking and he keeps bringing it up that when I go down we should meet up. He knows I'm married and he's married with a kid. ANYWAYS, he's helping me with deciphering my group plan at work since he's in Finance and all. Networking has it's perks. Well we exchanged our new e-mails to talk over MSN to make things easier than the inbox on LinkedIn. After our first convo on MSN, he gave me his cell number saying that I could text him whenever. Just weird. Now the part that's not so innocent. I have been thoroughly enjoying our conversations. And we talk the entire work day. I get giddy almost. It scares me. I'm not sure if this is a result from my loneliness and is just me looking for attention anywhere, or if this is something I should be really worried about. But this is making me worry. I've just been so confused.

Throw in my emotional eating when I get stressed and boom I'm freaking out about everything. Lack of social life, looking for a social life elsewhere, and eating so horribly that I have had a stomach ache for the last 2 weeks is just destroying me. I lay awake at night wondering what's wrong with me and why I'm thinking the way I am.

I just wish I had someone I could just vent this completely to and get advice or feedback or understanding on what's going on with me. I'm sorry to have dumped this all here but I have no where else to vent. I have been putting on a super happy face trying to pretend that everything is great and that I'm strong and understanding and patient. But all I feel is weak, confused and anxious. My Twitter has been found by D's best work buddy and he's following me now so I have be VERY careful what I tweet. So that outlet has has up and gone. Oh well. Hopefully this will pass over once D is back to normal.


  1. I'm so sorry you are in a bad place right now. 50 days with no days off is ridiculous. I'll give you my two cents on this and I hope it helps since you said you have no one else. Just keep telling yourself that this will pass. D is under extreme stress and he is tired. I can't even imagine how tired he is or how he is even functioning. You know this is not the real him and that at some point the work situation should come to an end and you can get your old husband back. In the meantime I know it's hard and you are lonely but I think you are just going to have to let him be. When someone is that tired and that grumpy and that emotionally worn then I don't know how much good they can be in trying to have fun or get out. My only suggestion might be to sit him down and tell him that you are having a really hard time with the situation and that you are doing your best to be patient but that it's really hard on you. It's hard on him too. As for saying you should be tired compared to him that would annoy me too. There have been days where I did nothing and was really tired and hubby says you shouldn't be tired. I just tell him that I don't have to justify my fatigue. If I'm tired then I am and that's that. In regards to the old flame I really do think your feelings have to do with the loneliness you are experiencing. Remember you don't have bills or any of the regular day to day stuff with him so of course every time you chat it's fun and exciting. Just be careful because you know that when D is his usual self he is the one for you. Hopefully things will get better with work and then the fact that you went through all this together and you were still supportive will bring you two closer. Sorry for this long comment!!

  2. Oh, and you mentioned before that you would love to pick my brain about finances. I'm totally okay with that. We can e mail if you ever have any questions. I'm no expert by any means but I've been pretty good at managing my budget over the years.