Friday, August 8, 2014

Hello Lovelies,

So I'm counting down the days until this job is done. I agree Miranda and Kitty, good riddance lol.

So to add to my frustration from yesterday, I called my parents for advice on what action I should take on a situation that came up later yesterday. I won't get into details but, yes it involved redundancies that looked bad. ANYWAYS. I was talking with my parents and all of a sudden I just broke down. The stress just got to be too much and that I'm not letting go. And with all the anxiety of finding a job before the end of the month it pushed me over the edge. I ended up crying on the phone for 30 mins with them. It felt good to get it out, but I just have this looming sense of doom over me now. It's really becoming real. It's not something that's a while off, I have 3 weeks left. That's extremely tangible. I can't hide from it. I can't pretend everything's alright. I have to start getting my stuff together as much as I just want to crawl in a hole and forget about life.

This day can't end soon enough. I just need to go home and cuddle on the couch with D and the cat.


Only 2 hours left until I can call it a day.

So I just removed my work e-mail off my phone. I think that's one way to let go. Now work can't follow me home if I don't want it to :) Next step: stop answering text messages right away (unless I'm at work).

So, so far today I've eaten a couple carrots, pieces of celery, 2 cauliflower florets and 2 cherry tomatoes with a bit of ranch dip for about 80 cals along with a chicken and dried mango Protini (packaged sliced chicken with some dried mango) for 90 cals. I'm currently having a cup of greek yogurt for 100 cals. The test for the rest of day will be dinner and late night. My downfall lately is that when 9pm comes around I'm so hungry I just eat everything within reach. Not good. So I'm currently at 270 plus a coffee with some cream for a total of lets say 300 cals to keep it even. We'll see what happens when I get home...

Well I think I'm just going to ramble if I keep on writing, so I'll just end it off here.

I hope you all have a great weekend!!

Thursday, August 7, 2014

OK so I KINDA fell off the wagon...

Hello Lovelies,

I know, I know. I haven't posted in almost 2 weeks.


My week got pretty hectic after I stopped writing and I was heading into vacation. So I figured I would disconnect from the computer and get out of my own head for a bit. I needed a bit of R&R.

So let do some catch up. I'll get the nasty stuff over first.

I'm massive. There's no doubt about that. I'm sitting at 146 steadily without any loss. Now, Aunt Flo is coming this weekend so I'm expecting that spike on the scale that normally comes at this time. But I need to get my ass in gear. And the first thing is to get my diet in check. I'm not even going to write what I've been eating but all my decisions have come out of laziness and it's as simple as that. It's just my own damned fault.

My contract at work is quickly coming to an end so the job hunt is more feverish than it has ever been. I do have my first interview next week though. It's for a government program that sends student groups on exchanges within Canada to learn about Canadian culture and heritage. I'd be doing PR, new media, event planning and other various marketing and communications work. It's kind of my dream job. It might not be in the industry that I'd prefer but the job itself is what I've been looking for!

As much as I hope to find a new job, I'll just be happy when I'm done with this job. I'm tired of only getting half of the information I need to do my job and then people get annoyed when I ask for the rest of the information. For example: I'm supposed to send out an acceptance letter, invoice and registration links for a new student. However, I have really only heard of this person in the last couple of days, I don't have any information and the family hasn't filled out any of the application forms needed. They are not in the database, and therefore, I can't send out the registration links because I have no information to send! But when I ask for them to contact the family, I'm told to drop them a line. I ask for contact information and I get a street address... Ummmm... HOW  am I supposed to contact them? And on top of that I have had no part in this process so it would be better for the parties involved to do so. I don't mind sending out the information but they need to disclose the information I need to do this job properly. These are the roadblocks I encounter EVERY SINGLE DAY here. UGH!

Anyways, 3 weeks left of this place and I'm done for ever. I debating removing my work e-mail off my phone so I don't get bothered with it. I'm also thinking of blocking my bosses numbers so that once I leave they can't contact me. And if they need me to do something for them, I'm also considering charging them if I haven't found a new job in the meantime. I don't owe them anything. No  charity from me.

Anyways, my day is almost done so I'm going to pack up and get ready for D to pick me up.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

missed a day! oops!

Hello lovelies!

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I got caught up in job applications yesterday and had a big development and then just veged last night.

I got an e-mail yesterday for a not for profit organization that I applied to back in December. They had put their hiring on hold because of some Executive staff changes and were now looking at filling the job again. The e-mail was not an offer of employment but just to see if I was still interested and available to be considered for the position.

Obviously I said yes.

So yesterday afternoon was spent composing a response to that e-mail.

So far today I have:

1. applied to another job
2. tried to cancel my cable and ended up getting a massively huge discount from their retention program that made the total bill less than if I had canceled!!
3. played some solitaire
4. did some sun salutations to relieve some tension in my back
5. drank a lot of water and coffee lol

eating wise things are ok. I'm fluctuating a lot between 143 and 148 (3-4 lbs over night)

I'm only eating maybe about 100-150 cals while at work and then eating dinner at home. I need to up my water intake. I am only managing 1.5 L each day. I have to get back up closer to 3 again I'm just retaining too much.

I'm going to try to get to the gym tonight and see if that helps my back in any way.

Wish me luck on the job opportunity. I'm not quite sure when I will be hearing back from them!! :o

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Justin Timberlake Concert!!!!

Hello lovelies!!

Tonight's the night! I have been waiting so long for this concert. I left work early today and met up with my sister for dinner. We went to a cute little chain restaurant and split some apps. 

Our seats are on the floor and the view is awesome so far. There is going to be a full "laser" (air quotes like Dr. Evil) show as well. All photos I took tonight are posted at the bottom of the post. 

I ended up not calling that agency today. It got too busy. So I will try again for tomorrow. 

Enjoy the photos!!

Our seats
My sister and I

The stage went over our heads

He was this close!!

And just as good looking in person!! So close!!

Seriously close!

Lots of lasers!!

Tomorrow I'll post some videos for you all. I may have swooned a few times and I don't have a voice anymore lol!

Monday, July 21, 2014

Day 1

Hello lovelies. 

Today was a pretty boring day at work. I looked up some businesses in Toronto today to see if they were hiring. Some were but nothing I was qualified for. I did find a recruitment company that has a few interesting jobs. I am going to try to call them tomorrow if I have time. 

Tomorrow I'm going to see justin Timberlake with my sister. I'm pretty excited. I have been waiting for this concert since my birthday in November!

Well that's all for today

I'll update you all on my call tomorrow

Sunday, July 20, 2014


Hi lovelies

I was reading over old posts and old comments from all of you. I had forgotten about all of the wonderful people that used to be part of this community. I really miss it.

I also noticed the tone of my writing has changed. I used to have a brighter outlook on things. Now I only seem to post to vent. I want to apologize for subjecting you all to my negativity.


I TK pledge that I will post every day even if it is something small. Or just something funny I saw. I need to inject this positivity back into my life. This blog is therapeutic for me but I need to make this a happy place again.

I hope you all have had a good weekend :)

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Update on my life & 300th Post

Hello Lovelies,

So I didn't wait as long to update you all on how things are going....but it's still too long between posts.

So it's official. They are not renewing my contract at the end of the summer. At least it's better than being bumped down to part time. I get to keep my salary until August 29. I still haven't found a new job and I'm starting to expand my search into Toronto. Jobs are scarce where I live if you're not fluently bilingual. Government it can really be English and any other language, but it's French and English that everyone else is looking for. They will give a job to a bilingual person that is not fully qualified over a completely qualified person who only speaks English. Welcome to living in a city where the majority of the jobs are in Public Service. Yay. I really don't want to have to move, and sell my house. I don't want to be far from my family, but I need to find a job. I've also started looking at what I need to do to collect unemployment if I can't find something in the next 6 weeks. I haven't had a single interview. So things are not looking good.

To start preparing, D and I have decided to cut our cable this weekend. We have found out how to get Hulu Plus here in Canada, and the total cost for the year is 1/4 of the cost of our cable. It's insane how much TV costs.

I've gained consistently since my last post. Not much but it's creeping up ever so slowly. I'm now at 146. I'm almost at the point where I was when I started this blog.

My life is generally much of the same as you all know. So there's not much else to update you on. My social life has dwindled down to almost nothing. I spend a lot of time at home doing a lot of nothing. I'm getting cabin fever but there is really nothing to do at all around here that doesn't cost money.

I wish I could get my resume into someone's hand and get an interview. I'm not sure what's wrong with my resume that doesn't get me past prescreening. Opportunities are so far and few in between. Job postings are generally for senior positions that I'm in no way qualified for and then they fill the lower positions internally.

Well that's about everything here on my end. I'm still reading everyone's posts, just not commenting.

Back to the hunt...

Friday, May 23, 2014

It's Official

I am one of the victims of the layoffs...

Thankfully, they are letting my contract run out, they are just not renewing it. They also agreed to act as references, and I will be receiving a letter of reference with my last pay cheque.

So my timeline for a new job is now 13 weeks. 

This sucks.

Thursday, May 22, 2014


I have 6 weeks to find a new job...


Since my last post I've gained 4lbs.



My body is fighting against me. This stress is making my body hold on to EVERYTHING. Every time I look in the mirror, I am bigger. I'm afraid to step on the scale because I don't want to see what it says. I know I have to if I want to try to gain ground in this losing battle. This morning I had a silent cry in the shower (D was still sleeping) when I saw the number. I'm disgusted. I know I'm making bad food choices. I'm over-eating when I do eat, and it's all the wrong things.

I don't want to lose my house. I don't want to have to sell it. I don't want to have to move back in with my parents. D is getting stressed about it too and asks me if I've applied to any jobs. I get defensive because since he's stressed, it comes out accusatory, and he gets defensive because I'm pushing back. I know he's concerned, and he's not meaning to put pressure on me and that I'm under enough already. It's just hard not snapping at him right now. Last night I was searching job sites until 9:30 and he was shocked that I was still doing it. I got frustrated because I had only found 3 jobs yesterday that I could apply to, and I didn't feel like it was enough. I didn't want to stop, I didn't want to miss out on something that would help my chances. He told me I needed at least some time to unwind and relax before bed or else I wouldn't sleep at all. I don't know why I had snapped at him, he was only looking out for me and making sure I rested. 

Even if I stay on part time here I wont be eligible for unemployment, because I'll be making the maximum I can earn. I could apply for welfare, but I don't know if we would qualify because our income would be too much, but we wouldn't be able to afford our house or bills. I'm in full panic mode right now. I don't know how to cope. I don't know who to talk to. All people can tell me is keep applying and I hope you find a new job soon. 

I hate the way jobs are posted these days. All through web applications, they don't want to talk to you, they will only contact you if you're considered. They want way too much experience for an entry/mid-level position. There is no way to follow up on an application because you're not provided with a phone number or an e-mail. There is no way any more to make yourself stand out from the crowd. I don't know what to do differently so I just keep doing more of the same. I wish I could hire a Career Counsellor. Maybe I could get some insight then, but I'm trying to save every penny I can in the meantime. 

Sometimes I feel as though I can't breathe with all this pressure. 

I wish I could just say F it and not work anymore. 

I guess I should get back to work...

Monday, April 28, 2014

Wow 2 months to the day...

Hello Lovelies!

OK so I promised to write more, but I really haven't had anything to write about. Should I write and complain about my job? My weight? My money situation? How I fail at everything? How all my problems have begun to seem like little snowballs that started at the top of the mountain and have now gotten so big that it's one massive boulder tumbling it's way down, gathering more and more speed crushing and picking things up on its way that really had nothing to do with the first snowballs at the beginning?

But I never want to bother you all with that. As crazy as things get, it always seems so trivial in the big picture of things. Like I don't have the right to be upset about my situation (which upsets me even more). The fact that I feel like this is starting to make me jealous of everyone else around me. I find myself saying things like"

"It's not fair. Why do I get the short end of the stick?"
"How does (insert friend/acquaintance name here) get it right?"
"What are they doing that I'm not?"
"Opportunities never land on me."
"Is there something wrong with me?"

I don't know.

It seems like every time I think I'm doing something right, it crumbles in my hands.

I work hard to clean my house and give it an overhaul and I get about 3/4 of the way done and I give up. Or if I finish it, I don't keep it up and it ultimately reverts back to the disaster it was in the first place.


My job. Bust my ass working for little to no appreciation. Accusations that I don't have the school's best interest at heart. My ideas are wrong and not in line, but when I do what they want I still am wrong. When I agree with them, I'm wrong.


I'm behind 2 months on my bills. My taxes aren't paid. All because of unforeseen happenings. During the thaw and cold snaps in March, a 25lb (yes I weighed it) chunk of ice fell on my car off my roof. Yes I was insured, but it was an extra $500 that we hadn't planned for. Neither was the gas for the SUV rental we got.


Since I last posted I've only lost 2lbs.


Planning on really doing a nice job on my yard this year and having moles dig up my backyard and skunks tear up my front yard.


It all seems to be one thing happens and then causes another thing. Like work sucks the life out of me causing me to not want to do anything once I get home causing me not keeping up with my house-work causing me to feel depressed in my own house causing me to eat crap because I don't care causing me to feel awful about myself causing me not to be motivated when I get back into work etc...(start the cycle again)

I've been putting out applications like crazy, and have only had one interview from it. The interview was ok but I clearly didn't fit in with the culture. It was for a music store and they all clearly looked like musicians. They were all well put together but each had a distinctively alternative look to them. I was too clean cut to fit in there.

I just don't know what to do keep my head above everything anymore.


Anyways...other than this crap things are relatively good with me. D and I are good. Family life is good. I have a roof over my head, a job. I really shouldn't be complaining. There are people with less or are worse off.

Friday, February 28, 2014

...and BOOM, I'm broke

I think the reason why I'm feeling especially down (as per my post yesterday) is because my friends are all saying things like,

"2014 is the year of success!"

"So far this year, I got an amazing new job and bought a house. Next up, European cruise for my honeymoon! Keep it coming 2014."

and there are countless more posts or conversations that go like this.

I push and try and strive and I have nothing to show for it.

Anyways, it's that time of year. TAXES!! woo! It always hurts to open up that bill.

So I get paid today and D and I have to pay by March 20, $1,700 for the first half of my municipal taxes, $600 for my car insurance and then the rest of my bills and

We've been saving for it but with a weekend trip out of town a couple weeks ago and a going away dinner for T, things are once again a little tight.

To boot, I have finally caught whatever plague the kids had the last few weeks and it's taking everything in me to not fall asleep at my desk. I have no energy and today is the Science Fair. So there will be parents and judges walking around and I have to take photos and post to FB and be social. Then I have a Marketing sub-committee meeting tonight at 7:30 pm. I don't mind going to the meeting, but having to go on a Friday night almost 3 hours after I leave work is just going to kill me. I wont be able to turn off for the weekend until late tonight. :(

Well back to work...

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Is it just me?

Do you ever find yourself in a funk and end up thinking back to "when times were better??"

I get like that a lot.

It's like there is always something I'm unsatisfied with. Or if I did something differently in my past where would I be now? Would I be more successful? Would I be happier? Would I have achieved what I thought I would?

I always feel dissatisfied with something going on. I never really know how to be 100% happy.

Sometimes, I even think to the bad things in my past and dwell on where I would be if I hadn't changed things.

I alway seem to pull on the negative. Never the positive. I'm always comparing myself to others, their successes and achievements. I never know why I do these things. I'm not resentful of others nor do I wish them unwell.

But I'm alway asking myself, why them and not me?

I don't know.

You can ignore my verbal diarrhea.

I just have to put it down somewhere.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Two posts?? One day?? That's how bored I am....

does anyone have instagram? feel free to add me:


Just another day

Hello Lovelies!

So today has been the most pointless day...

The school is holding an open house today and on Thursday. Today no one has shown up at all and there's 2 hours left in the day...


This has been the most boring day ever, because I haven't really been able to get too deep into any work in case I am interrupted. On top of it all, I am starting to come down with whatever plague was going around the school these last couple of weeks. I'm nauseous, dizzy, have a pounding headache and I am chilled right down to the bone. All I want to do today is curl up under my blankets on the couch and watch TV.

The gym last night was good and I'm feeling it today.

That's all I have to really write about today. I'm just trying to waste time to make the day go by faster. I spend a good hour with a co-worker teaching her how to take a good selfie...THAT'S how slow my day is today...

Oh I gave my grandfather some copies of my resume to give out to some people he knows. Hopefully something might turn up from there.

Anyways, it really is good to be back. I found a new app to read blogs on my phone with (Feedly) and it was really nice to catch up on all of your lives.


Monday, February 24, 2014

I've been bad...

In more ways than one...

I want to start off by saying I'm sorry I haven't posted since August. There have been many reasons, and mostly because it just feels like I'm always bitching. I hate being a Negative Nancy and I feel it's always about the same things. I am starting to hate my job (now completely hate), I can't stick to a diet/eating plan/exercise blah blah blah, I'm bored the usual.

I'm sorry I haven't been reading either. I'm so far behind on what everyone is up to, I'm not even sure if I can find time to sit down and catch up on all of your posts. I'm definitely out of the loop. I'm an outsider looking in.

K: Thank you for leaving the comment. It kind of snapped me back making me realized that this journaling was like a therapy where I could just say anything and not have to worry about censoring myself.

So here's what I've been up to for the last 6 (almost 7) months:


Things were starting to look up a little bit in the summer. I had created a sound marketing plan on a tiny budget, it was approved and things were just easier. When school started, my bosses basically threw out my plan and blew through my budget before the end of November. We're losing money, we are not getting the enrolment we need, and it's just a nightmare now. With my mom being on the board, she gave me the heads up that they will be letting me go in June for the summer. I have been frantically looking for a new job since. I can't afford to go on unemployment for 3 months. And honestly, I don't want to come back. I don't get any respect, my department (read: marketing in general) doesn't seem like a priority. They don't take me seriously and they have basically set me up to fail in everything I do. They reject my ideas, then think they are brilliant ideas when a parent or other board member suggests the EXACT SAME THING. I leave here every night feeling like absolute crap. I'm stressed, unmotivated, depressed, any negative feeling there is, I feel it. Which leads me to...

Weight/Body Image and What I'm Doing About It:

Because I am so stressed and dejected, I feel like nothing is worth it anymore. I don't have the energy to do anything when I get home and cooking is the last thing I want to do. So what do D and I do? We get take out. I think I've eaten more McDonalds in the last 6 months than I have in my entire life. Since August I have gone from the low 130s (132ish) to a whopping 147. Not only have I been eating like absolute crap, I also have stopped going to the gym. This lack of motivation and energy with working crazy overtime hours has really done a number on me. My clothes don't fit me anymore and I refuse to buy new things. I'm heading to the gym tonight because I just need to get rid of this. I can't stand the way I look, I feel like absolute crap, and I just need to get myself to a better place. I am back to taking pills again, I have this drawer at work that's just full of supplements and diet pills and water pills it's a scary sight when I open it up. I have a good handful that I take every morning. I don't have a plan yet, I don't know if I'm going to go back to restriction and skipping meals like I used to but it's looking better and better every time I think of it.

Life in General:

T is moving at the end of March. She's moving to Pensacola (sp?) because her husband has his last posting there. They will be in Florida for the next 3 years. I officially have no friends left in the city. I'm on my own. I have a few acquaintances and then V (technically she is a friend) who I can only take in small doses. I work with her now, so I don't see her much outside of work. My other friends all live out of town so we don't see each other as much, it's only for special events or long weekends (but usually we keep celebrations to the long weekends). I'm feeling more and more like a recluse every day. I don't know what I can start to do as a hobby or activity so I can meet people.

With D, because of how gross I feel and stressed I haven't really kept up in my "wifely duties" I guess you can say. I hate how my problems are starting to affect him. You all can probably figure out my reasons to why I avoid getting intimate.

I spend my evenings and weekends on the couch watching TV or playing with my phone or iPad. I never used to be like this, but I just don't want to do anything. I'd rather get lost and forgotten.

I've been applying to jobs left and right and have yet to hear back from anywhere. I just don't have the experience for someone my age to get a fun and interesting job. I have started to give up on a marketing career, and I'm now applying to be an Office Assistant, Secretary, Receptionist, doing data entry. Placement agencies don't even call me about jobs.

Anyways, I'm going to stop here. I could keep going but there's no positive right now. I need to get to work and get something done.

I promise I will be more present. I may not post every day, but I promise to read and try to catch up with everyone.