Monday, April 28, 2014

Wow 2 months to the day...

Hello Lovelies!

OK so I promised to write more, but I really haven't had anything to write about. Should I write and complain about my job? My weight? My money situation? How I fail at everything? How all my problems have begun to seem like little snowballs that started at the top of the mountain and have now gotten so big that it's one massive boulder tumbling it's way down, gathering more and more speed crushing and picking things up on its way that really had nothing to do with the first snowballs at the beginning?

But I never want to bother you all with that. As crazy as things get, it always seems so trivial in the big picture of things. Like I don't have the right to be upset about my situation (which upsets me even more). The fact that I feel like this is starting to make me jealous of everyone else around me. I find myself saying things like"

"It's not fair. Why do I get the short end of the stick?"
"How does (insert friend/acquaintance name here) get it right?"
"What are they doing that I'm not?"
"Opportunities never land on me."
"Is there something wrong with me?"

I don't know.

It seems like every time I think I'm doing something right, it crumbles in my hands.

I work hard to clean my house and give it an overhaul and I get about 3/4 of the way done and I give up. Or if I finish it, I don't keep it up and it ultimately reverts back to the disaster it was in the first place.

Or

My job. Bust my ass working for little to no appreciation. Accusations that I don't have the school's best interest at heart. My ideas are wrong and not in line, but when I do what they want I still am wrong. When I agree with them, I'm wrong.

Or

I'm behind 2 months on my bills. My taxes aren't paid. All because of unforeseen happenings. During the thaw and cold snaps in March, a 25lb (yes I weighed it) chunk of ice fell on my car off my roof. Yes I was insured, but it was an extra $500 that we hadn't planned for. Neither was the gas for the SUV rental we got.

Or

Since I last posted I've only lost 2lbs.

Or

Planning on really doing a nice job on my yard this year and having moles dig up my backyard and skunks tear up my front yard.

But

It all seems to be one thing happens and then causes another thing. Like work sucks the life out of me causing me to not want to do anything once I get home causing me not keeping up with my house-work causing me to feel depressed in my own house causing me to eat crap because I don't care causing me to feel awful about myself causing me not to be motivated when I get back into work etc...(start the cycle again)

I've been putting out applications like crazy, and have only had one interview from it. The interview was ok but I clearly didn't fit in with the culture. It was for a music store and they all clearly looked like musicians. They were all well put together but each had a distinctively alternative look to them. I was too clean cut to fit in there.

I just don't know what to do keep my head above everything anymore.

Sigh

Anyways...other than this crap things are relatively good with me. D and I are good. Family life is good. I have a roof over my head, a job. I really shouldn't be complaining. There are people with less or are worse off.


3 comments:

  1. Post about everything, it's cathartic, and good for the soul. :)
    You're holding on to your depression, keeping it bottled up, and writing is the best way to release at least a little bit of the pressure off into the world, so I say, DO IT.

    I love to see you write, you have a very distinctive and organized way of putting your words down, and it's a delight to read.
    Don't worry about the false starts, it's the times you pick yourself back up and carry on that matter.

    Also, I've recently had a name-change, you might better know me as the girl with the bat icon, so I'm trying to get in touch with all of my favorite bloggers. I'm terrible at commenting, but trying to get better.

    Best,
    Faye

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I tried commenting on your blog last night from my phone. I'm not sure if it worked. I just wanted to say thank you for your comment.

      Delete
  2. Ugh I hate those days when life overwhelms you. Keep it up, though. Everything will work out

    ReplyDelete