Since my last post I've gained 4lbs.
My body is fighting against me. This stress is making my body hold on to EVERYTHING. Every time I look in the mirror, I am bigger. I'm afraid to step on the scale because I don't want to see what it says. I know I have to if I want to try to gain ground in this losing battle. This morning I had a silent cry in the shower (D was still sleeping) when I saw the number. I'm disgusted. I know I'm making bad food choices. I'm over-eating when I do eat, and it's all the wrong things.
I don't want to lose my house. I don't want to have to sell it. I don't want to have to move back in with my parents. D is getting stressed about it too and asks me if I've applied to any jobs. I get defensive because since he's stressed, it comes out accusatory, and he gets defensive because I'm pushing back. I know he's concerned, and he's not meaning to put pressure on me and that I'm under enough already. It's just hard not snapping at him right now. Last night I was searching job sites until 9:30 and he was shocked that I was still doing it. I got frustrated because I had only found 3 jobs yesterday that I could apply to, and I didn't feel like it was enough. I didn't want to stop, I didn't want to miss out on something that would help my chances. He told me I needed at least some time to unwind and relax before bed or else I wouldn't sleep at all. I don't know why I had snapped at him, he was only looking out for me and making sure I rested.
Even if I stay on part time here I wont be eligible for unemployment, because I'll be making the maximum I can earn. I could apply for welfare, but I don't know if we would qualify because our income would be too much, but we wouldn't be able to afford our house or bills. I'm in full panic mode right now. I don't know how to cope. I don't know who to talk to. All people can tell me is keep applying and I hope you find a new job soon.
I hate the way jobs are posted these days. All through web applications, they don't want to talk to you, they will only contact you if you're considered. They want way too much experience for an entry/mid-level position. There is no way to follow up on an application because you're not provided with a phone number or an e-mail. There is no way any more to make yourself stand out from the crowd. I don't know what to do differently so I just keep doing more of the same. I wish I could hire a Career Counsellor. Maybe I could get some insight then, but I'm trying to save every penny I can in the meantime.
Sometimes I feel as though I can't breathe with all this pressure.
I wish I could just say F it and not work anymore.
I guess I should get back to work...