I've been bad...

In more ways than one...

I want to start off by saying I'm sorry I haven't posted since August. There have been many reasons, and mostly because it just feels like I'm always bitching. I hate being a Negative Nancy and I feel it's always about the same things. I am starting to hate my job (now completely hate), I can't stick to a diet/eating plan/exercise blah blah blah, I'm bored the usual.

I'm sorry I haven't been reading either. I'm so far behind on what everyone is up to, I'm not even sure if I can find time to sit down and catch up on all of your posts. I'm definitely out of the loop. I'm an outsider looking in.

K: Thank you for leaving the comment. It kind of snapped me back making me realized that this journaling was like a therapy where I could just say anything and not have to worry about censoring myself.

So here's what I've been up to for the last 6 (almost 7) months:

Job:

Things were starting to look up a little bit in the summer. I had created a sound marketing plan on a tiny budget, it was approved and things were just easier. When school started, my bosses basically threw out my plan and blew through my budget before the end of November. We're losing money, we are not getting the enrolment we need, and it's just a nightmare now. With my mom being on the board, she gave me the heads up that they will be letting me go in June for the summer. I have been frantically looking for a new job since. I can't afford to go on unemployment for 3 months. And honestly, I don't want to come back. I don't get any respect, my department (read: marketing in general) doesn't seem like a priority. They don't take me seriously and they have basically set me up to fail in everything I do. They reject my ideas, then think they are brilliant ideas when a parent or other board member suggests the EXACT SAME THING. I leave here every night feeling like absolute crap. I'm stressed, unmotivated, depressed, any negative feeling there is, I feel it. Which leads me to...

Weight/Body Image and What I'm Doing About It:

Because I am so stressed and dejected, I feel like nothing is worth it anymore. I don't have the energy to do anything when I get home and cooking is the last thing I want to do. So what do D and I do? We get take out. I think I've eaten more McDonalds in the last 6 months than I have in my entire life. Since August I have gone from the low 130s (132ish) to a whopping 147. Not only have I been eating like absolute crap, I also have stopped going to the gym. This lack of motivation and energy with working crazy overtime hours has really done a number on me. My clothes don't fit me anymore and I refuse to buy new things. I'm heading to the gym tonight because I just need to get rid of this. I can't stand the way I look, I feel like absolute crap, and I just need to get myself to a better place. I am back to taking pills again, I have this drawer at work that's just full of supplements and diet pills and water pills it's a scary sight when I open it up. I have a good handful that I take every morning. I don't have a plan yet, I don't know if I'm going to go back to restriction and skipping meals like I used to but it's looking better and better every time I think of it.

Life in General:

T is moving at the end of March. She's moving to Pensacola (sp?) because her husband has his last posting there. They will be in Florida for the next 3 years. I officially have no friends left in the city. I'm on my own. I have a few acquaintances and then V (technically she is a friend) who I can only take in small doses. I work with her now, so I don't see her much outside of work. My other friends all live out of town so we don't see each other as much, it's only for special events or long weekends (but usually we keep celebrations to the long weekends). I'm feeling more and more like a recluse every day. I don't know what I can start to do as a hobby or activity so I can meet people.

With D, because of how gross I feel and stressed I haven't really kept up in my "wifely duties" I guess you can say. I hate how my problems are starting to affect him. You all can probably figure out my reasons to why I avoid getting intimate.

I spend my evenings and weekends on the couch watching TV or playing with my phone or iPad. I never used to be like this, but I just don't want to do anything. I'd rather get lost and forgotten.

I've been applying to jobs left and right and have yet to hear back from anywhere. I just don't have the experience for someone my age to get a fun and interesting job. I have started to give up on a marketing career, and I'm now applying to be an Office Assistant, Secretary, Receptionist, doing data entry. Placement agencies don't even call me about jobs.

Anyways, I'm going to stop here. I could keep going but there's no positive right now. I need to get to work and get something done.

I promise I will be more present. I may not post every day, but I promise to read and try to catch up with everyone.

TK