So, still bummed about my money situation. Who knows how I'm going to fix this. Sigh.

Kitty: Before I found out about my RRSP deductions D and I made pretty much the same. He made about $50 more than me. However, the odd pay for him, if he works a lot of extra hours during the week he will sometimes get paid out for some of them and then his cheque will be a bit more. He then takes that money and puts some to his credit cards or into savings for when we want to go do something (like our Montreal trip in a couple of weeks). Basically I just have to be really careful with my money and put a lot more into my "untouchable" accounts.

I think I'm going to make an appointment with the bank on Friday afternoon to find out what I can do. At least I'm putting away $50 each pay for my iPhone in October when it's released. Right now I'm sitting at $225 in that account with 3 more pays (at least) before I get the phone. Who knows what it's going to cost me with a contract and everything but I still will have just over $400 for the phone.

So I'm off the OxyElite Pro now. I finished the bottle last week and I'm back up at 132.8. I'm so disgusted and upset. Mind you my eating hasn't been as clean as it has been over the last bit of the summer, and I'm eating lunch at school again. They are the first pills that have done ANYTHING for me since I started taking diet pills. I know I have to take a 4 week hiatus from taking them before I can start up again, but with only one website that ships to Canada and a $40 shipping cost makes the whole transaction over $80. And that doesn't even include duty upon delivery. One bottle could cost me $100. I don't know if that's worth it. But I'm so upset that I spiked 4 lbs over the weekend. The first bit was due to my period, but now that it's over I haven't gone down at all.

D and I went out for our anniversary dinner on Saturday night and I just felt like a whale. Nothing seemed to fit right and I just looked bulgy and lumpy. Nothing I did made me look normal. It was really hard to enjoy myself and the beautifully prepared food. How is it that I have so many issues with food but I am a full fledged foodie? That always baffles my mind. I get so much anxiety over going out for a meal or even cooking one but I go crazy for flavours and textures and new experiences. This is probably unheard of to all of you. What has me going even crazier is that when I go for my girls' day at the end of the month, here is what is tentatively planned. Brunch, then helping J pack along with drinks and munchies, time at a Nordic spa (only a couple bucks to use the baths) or mani/pedis, then either dinner out or at someone's house then more drinking and then out dancing. Not only will this be a day of calories, but money spending. I'm trying to push for dinner to be at someone's place to save money but C (who's offered to host) is a really picky eater and will probably serve fettucini alfredo or something equally carby and fatty. Brunch is going to be tough if it's at a place like Cora's (huge portions and lots of cals in all their food). But if I don't eat during the day, when I go to drink I'm going to get hit super hard and get sick. I'm freaking out just thinking about that.

GAH!

I just wish I didn't care. All my friends are just so tiny and don't have stupid repercussions like me when they eat the wrong thing the wrong way. I just can't let myself get fat like I was 3 years ago. I know where I am is my body's "happy" spot. I can function like this but I just hate looking at myself at this weight. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I avoid them as much as possible. I really only spend time in front of the mirror when I get ready in the mornings.

Anyways, I should probably stop. I'm just in such a funk and I don't want to bring you lovelies down with me.