Ignore the mess
So I'm just losing control. I'm on a runaway gain-train. I'm heading to Fatsville and everything is falling to crap.
I'm so lethargic and apathetic it's taking over my life. My house is in shambles (yes I still haven't cleaned it yet) my finances are horrid (still have those maxed out credit cards and they wont be paid off any time soon) and my intake is just atrocious (ate horribly all long weekend). I don't know where this downward spiral is coming from and it scares me to death. I feel as though I've lost all control and I don't know how to get it back.
This weekend, I ate out Saturday night. I didn't eat all day then had a burger and fries at a pub then got DQ for dessert. Sunday I ate junk most of the day after working in the yard for a good 3 hours then ate ribs, nachos, smoked fish and drank lots of wine at a BBQ at a neighbour's. Monday, I ate out again (only a salad but lots of dressing on it an half a pear and brie sandwich) then another BBQ with ribs and pasta salad. Yesterday started off great then I ate half a box of Triscuits then D made home made philly cheese steak sandwiches. I didn't bother weighing myself because my new work pants were hard to zip up this morning. I'm huge, I'm gross and I can't stop. I can't sleep because I'm panicking from my days intake and then the stress from not doing anything is making everything worse.
Even if I wanted to try to fix things this week(end) I can't. I'm going to Montreal to visit my cousins and some friends and celebrate my cousin's birthday. There's a big UFC fight on Saturday night and a bunch of guys are getting together. So. Cue in pizza, booze, chips, wings and whatever fatty-greasy-grossnesses you can think of. The girls are planning on escaping for a mini girls' night but that costs $$ and will involve processed foods and booze as well. I can't win. And since I'm staying at my Aunt and Uncle's there will be massively huge breakfasts both mornings. I'm getting anxious just thinking about it. I don't want to go but I know my cousins really want me there.
I hung out with T on Monday and we were talking about all sorts of stuff and the topic of body image came up (as it typically does with us). She's pregnant again so she's worried about gaining too much but still trying to live normally and keep up her activity level as the baby grows. She started dishing out compliments and stuff as I was saying I need to get to the gym (as I've probably bored you all to tears with by now) and that I have too much fat on me. I got the whole blah blah blah you're not fat, you look great, you have great curves blah blah blah. I hate being humoured and I despise people trying to placate me. She's 3 months pregnant with a bump already and she still fits into size 4/5 pants. I'm lucky these days to squeeze into a 6. I'm tired of being the biggest out of our group. I'm tired of being the squishiest. I'm sick not measuring up to the rest of my friends. I don't even know why I even bother trying any more.
Sorry for posting this but I had to get it out. Thanks for reading this if you got this far. I hope not to post depressing stuff after this. I don't like posting this stuff but I can't pretend my life is perfect.