Friday, October 8, 2010

Thinking I need to hold myself more accountable

Well yesterday was a bit more of a success. I had roughly 800 cals yesterday. D cooked dinner while I was at work and we split a rib steak (he had cooked one for each of us but I made him pack up the other steak). I ate half of my potatoes and salad. The bulk of my calories was dinner and my morning muffin. I had no juice only water and coffee for the rest of the day.

Today is liquids all day. No meals. It is now just before 10 am and I haven’t had a bite to eat yet. Just my morning coffee and I’m getting ready to have my second cup of the day. I brought tea with me today as well just incase I want something with a bit more flavour. I have also already taken 3 diet pills so far this morning and I will be taking one every 2 hours until I leave work. I am determined not to eat anything at all today.

My mother-in-law is in surgery right now to remove a tumor from her optic nerve so I don’t think I will be able to make it to the gym this evening. She will be in recovery or even home as the hospital has deemed the surgery “day surgery.” D wants to see her once she’s recovered from the anesthesia so I may be even leaving work early (which is a big bonus! Starting my long weekend early!). I’ll be able to skip dinner though  I can easily turn down hospital food  yay! I am nervous about this afternoon though. I have a meeting to go to and my department has ordered doughnuts and coffee and various other snacks. I hope I will be able to resist the temptation of the sweet sticky confectionaries that will be laid out for everyone. I know I can just have the coffee but the cups are so tiny that it’s awkward to get up constantly to refill your cup. I might just bring my own coffee or tea into the meeting and sip on that.

My project right now that I’m working on involves photos of products. I am working with a photographer right now to take pictures of samples of product. Unfortunately all of the products are food. The clothes and house-wares are all images so my desk is covered in food stuffs. I got rid of a whole bunch yesterday but now I have juice boxes and tortellini sitting right beside me on my desk. I’m trying to chug back water so I will fill my stomach and not think about all the food that’s around me. I don’t know why my mind is so focused on food today. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m calculating over and over and over again calories in everything I see. The test kitchen is baking right now and it smells like cookies in my department. It’s driving me crazy.

I can’t wait for tomorrow to immerse myself in unpacking and setting up my house and just not think about eating at all! I plan on sleeping in, and then going to the gym (sans breakfast only coffee and pills) then come home and move boxes build a bed and mount curtains. Then I’m going to put away all my clothes and go out and run errands and make sure we have everything we need to clean the house.

I had my health check for my life insurance yesterday and they took my height and weight and measurements. I wasn’t too impressed. I had to be weighed fully clothed (I never stand on a scale with anything on my body) and after I had drank about 3 litres of water for my urine sample (sorry for the TMI). I was up at 144 and my waist measurement was taken OVER my clothes which as horrendous! I felt so fat! D is so skinny I’m super jealous of him. He’s 5’9 and only 159 lbs. that’s 15 lbs heavier than me! I was 159 just before I started this blog! I weighed jus as much as my husband and more at one point too!

So I went to the cafeteria to get a cup of coffee and today’s “menu” is a Thanksgiving buffet. Note to self: do not leave desk between 11:30 and 2:00 with anything more than $1 in your pocket. Buffet = extreme diet danger. It’s bad enough I will be immersed into gluttony on Monday the last thing I need is work waving the exact same type of meal in my face (with WAY more calories since they’re cooking for more people…more butter, more cream, more fat, more oil, more sugar all to preserve and make everything perfectly brown and shiny and “appealing” to eat. No thank you, I will skip going anywhere near the cafeteria in the next little bit.

I have my water and my coffee. No one can get between me and skinny. I need to be back in the 130s. I hate myself for jumping back up after my success. I think posting that I reached my goal of 137 jinxed me and my weight was like F*** You! *Sigh* Oh well…I will drop this. I feel that this yo-yo-ing is just like a bitch slap to the face and makes me feel like a huge failure and I can’t even control my own body. Everything is changing except the one thing I really want to change.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

So this is my second long post in a row…I guess this is what happens when I don’t blog for a while, I just start writing and I can’t stop. I’m doing this in a Word document right now at work and every time something pops into my head I have to write it down.

I need to hold myself more accountable for my actions. I can’t have these bounces back and forth anymore. Anyone have any ideas how I can be more disciplined? I need to eat less especially around D. He’s the worst to hide stuff from he’s starting to ask a lot of questions. Help?

1 comment:

  1. I used to be paranoid about being bigger then my man. My ex husband was skinny. He was super tall but he actually was able to slip on a pair of my size 5 shorts. Oh the horror!! You are so determined. It doesn't seem that you will take no for an answer on your goals. You will get there. Oh by the way marketing sounds like such a cool job. I know you said you are getting switched though.