Tuesday, October 12, 2010

4 days and counting.

4 days until I am out of this hell-hole.

4 days until I can start working towards contentment.

4 days until I begin a physical laborious job. Lifting and squatting and twisting and bending; all the while with a smile on my face.

Hours until I find out where they are going to put me.

Hours until I find out if my life is going to be convenient still or if my life is going to be turned on its head because I have to travel to the other side of the city just to be a cashier.

Hours until I officially dust off my resume and begin applying to jobs.

Hours until I break the news to my parents that their little girl no longer works the convenient Monday to Friday job.

4 days until my last full weekend without request.

4 days until my life changes.

I don’t know how I am going to react to the change. I hope that my superiors realize that I will not be able to be a flexible employee if they make me travel for such a long time across the city (2-3 hour trip by bus depending on transfers).

All I know is that once I start working at the warehouse again I will be standing for 8 hours and moving for 8 hours. I know I will trim up and lose some weight. The only thing I have to worry about is not giving in to the pizza and fries that will be a matter of feet away from where I’m standing every single day.

We brought the cat back home and I’m finding myself trying to win the cat’s affection. My whole weekend has been obsessed with how happy the cat is. I’m not sure why I’m trying to appease and cater to an animal like I am. Yearning for affection from it. I’ve been needy lately and I’m not sure why. I’m getting more than enough attention from D but I’m craving love, I’m searching for acceptance and I feel like I’m falling short; like I’m not living up to some sort of expectations that even I don’t know what they are. D says I’ve changed. Is it post wedding depression? Is it home-sickness? Is it too much change in a short period of time?

I really don’t know.

The scale keeps going up. Every morning it just taunts me that no matter what I do I will never achieve anything. I wont amount to anything. I don’t have control over anything. No matter what I do, I can’t get what I want.

I’m done with this job. I’m not even doing work anymore. I have my browser set to blogger and Google Books. I’m reading excerpts from Wasted. Anything is better than what my life is at right now. I just want to detach myself from life and just meld into another world. I wish I had the X-box hooked up right now. I’d just immerse myself into the world of video games and never come back. I’d live vicariously through whatever character was on the screen at that time. But that’s not reality; it’s not acceptable to live like that.

Maybe I just need to go out and get really drunk. I haven’t had a good drunk in a long time. But Drunk TK = binge eating. No matter what’s available I always eat. Heck at my bachelorette party I ate probably half a pound of boiled beets. Thankfully there was no butter or salt or sugar on them so they were clean but still I ate so many beets that my pee was pink for days afterwards.

Anyways, 4 hours until the day ends and 4 hours until this job ends.


  1. Changes may be scary sometimes, but I am sure you will make the best out of them.
    I remember fighting for the cat´s affection to get to the BF emotionally.... weird....
    I wish you a lot of strength and passion, you will make it (and lose weight on the side!)

    Take good care

  2. Sounds like you are not too happy about the job change. Hopefully you will find something else. The brigth side is the exercise instead of a sedentary sit on your butt job. But, I can't believe they would make you travel so far for a job. Hopefully they won't. Hang in there honey! Hope it gets better.

  3. I'm sorry to hear your not feeling great- I hope everything with your job works out- or at least helps you shrink!! :P
    Change can take some adjusting, don't beat yourself up for taking your time. xxx