Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Thank you for all your support.

I’m usually such a positive person (as per previous posts). This funk and self-loathing are so foreign to me. I rarely have feelings like this and I don’t know how to overcome them.

I’m so unmotivated to do anything whatsoever. All I have the desire for is to either sleep or just do hours upon hours of yoga hoping that I can get rid of all this negative energy. I want to sweat out these bad feelings and push way these bad thoughts. I’m finding myself falling into my habits of eating for comfort. Last night I found myself just eating pistachios without even realize what I was doing. I almost ate a whole bowl full before I realized that I had just sat down and devoured it all. I couldn’t even bare to look at the nutritional information for fear that I would go and purge. I refuse to do that and I don’t want to have anything trigger. This mood/funk is really becoming a problem.

I don’t know how to explain this to D. I feel like he wouldn’t understand. I hate making him feel helpless and I hate making myself look like I’m weak.

The only thing about being so upset at work is that I have no appetite, just some liquids to keep up my blood sugar and some gum to chew on to keep my mouth occupied.

I almost told my supervisor where to shove it this morning when I came into work. I’m so sick of his constant picking and micromanaging and then making me look like I don’t know anything and I can’t learn because he’s hovering over me so much that I have no room to learn anything. He says that I have things to do and while I’m waiting for the information he goes ahead and does it for me because he’s impatient (I’m waiting for information that he’s supposed to give me) and then my boss says that he does too much for me and I’ve mentioned in meetings (jokingly) that if he keeps doing these tasks for me I wont have any work to do. But, I guess people don’t see past the fact that he kisses their ass so much that his brown nose is now black.

D said that if he ever sees my supervisor out at a bar he’s going punch him out. I’ve never seen D so protective of me and I kind of like it because I would love to see him just get owned. Lol

Honestly I swear I’m not this vindictive and violent but I just wish bad upon this guy like you wouldn’t believe.

Any of you have any ideas on how I can channel this energy into something good?

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