Ugh.

I'm sick of everything.

Oh there's the usual, I hate my job, my body, my lack of success, my going nowhere, blah blah blah blah...well on top of all the what-all-my-latest-post-have-been-about I just got dinged with $3,500 in city and municipal taxes to pay by October 27. Just when I thought at least things were evening out financially a little I get this punch in the gut. How the F am I supposed to come up with that money when I only bring in $2000 a month and half goes to my mortgage then my cable/internet/phone bill is $250 each month plus attempting to pay off my maxed out credit cards and D is in the same boat as me. He brings in just about $3000 each month. He puts the same away for the mortgage, pays the gas bill $75, hydro $100, water $50 plus his student loan, laptop payment. We just sent off our car insurance $700 and I have to renew my plates on my car in a month $150 and get an emission test $50 and get my brakes done $500 and any other maintenece before the winter.

Where is this money going to come from?? I haven't even factored in general living costs or gas for the car. Now I know some of you will think great no spending money on food, but I can't even look at doing ANYTHING entertaining between now and December. I don't even think I can afford to buy anyone Christmas gifts. T is having her competition at the end of October and I don't think I can afford to go and 1) see it and 2) partake in the festivities afterwards.

I really need to find a new job that will pay me more than what I'm making now. I'm really freaking out here guys. I don't want to default on anything. I feel like I'm back where I was in the spring. I don't want to ask anyone for money. I don't want to have to take out a line of credit. I don't see me having any other choice.

I miss when I didn't have these responsibilites. I'm not even sure how they figure how they're taxing us. What they base the amounts on.

Sorry for the rant lovelies. All of you who are still sticking around, you are all amazing. I've been such a crappy blogger and still you all stay. I just want to thank each and every one of you.

Anyways, I have to go pick up D from work and talk to him about all of this.

Blah

I'm not sure what I did on vacation but I'm no longer at my steady 134. And you know what? I miss my stagnant plateau. I keep spiking at 138. I don't know what's wrong.

Tonight at midnight I'm starting a 48 hour liquid fast with some girls from Twitter. So no solids will pass these lips at all. What I'm allowing myself:

- Vegetable broth/boullion if I'm hungry
- G2 for electrolytes
- Water
- Tea
- Coffee with only one little milker.

So here goes nothing. I'll be starting the SGD on Saturday to continue.

Miranda (it's weird calling you by that!):
The whole water retention thing. Right now your body is relishing in the water you're giving it. It will hold onto it because it's trying to use it all. Keep up the intake and really work on upping your intake and you will see in a couple of days you won't be able to go an hour without peeing! After days where I forget to drink water I definitely hold onto more but I make a point in drinking ridiculous amounts so I can flush the crap out that same day. Jest keep with it. You'll find it gets better.
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

Hello lovelies.

So yesterday was my 1st year anniversary. It was a nice day. We spent the day downtown, walked around the market, saw my parents, and then went for dinner to a little tapas-type place downtown. Oddly, for some reason, it didn't feel special. I thought it was going to be some wonderful day, but it just felt like any other day. I'm still happy in my marriage. I love my husband, but I guess my general apathy at everything is just starting to take its toll.

I know my posts are few and far between and not the happiest of things. But this is the only place that I can just let everything out. I feel I have to keep up a certain persona every day. I alway have to be the strong one, the one where things just roll off me. When I try to talk to D about being "a little" unhappy, he always say I'm too depressive about things. I don't know how to tell him that everything is just chipping away at me. I feel inadequate.

I guess all I can do is just keep going forward no matter what.

D and I are going to see Pearl Jam on Wednesday night. I'm quite excited and D is over the moon (they're his all time favourite band). I've asked D if we can go see the opera Pagliacci that's playing at the theatre this weekend. He said we'll see what money is like after pay. My goal for the week is to clean the house top to bottom. I've been so apathetic that the place is just a disaster zone. So, I'm planning on taking it one room at a time. Today, the bedroom and our closet. I think I'm also going to go for a walk today.

Anyways, another goal of mine is to post at least twice a week. I really need to start up again on here. I miss my outlet and my own space.

So this week has been total maintenance mode. I'm managing a steady 134-5. Tomorrow morning I'll be going to the gym and thursday I'll be doing a major session with T. I'll pretty much be spending my entire time there trying to keep up with her. I need to figure out a good workout plan because I often times find myself wandering around aimlessly trying to figure out what to do or where to start.

Would any of you lovelies be able to point me to a site or app that has good workouts planned or even send me your workouts?? I'm at a point where I don't think I really know where to start that will get me going. I'm finding I'm avoiding the gym because I don't know what to do. I need a plan. No more slacking or excuses. I could really use the help.


Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

Hello lovelies, I'm still alive.

I've just been too ashamed to post anything since my vacation. I came back from vacation at 140. I know most of it was water retention from the high sodium foods I did eat and my period but it was the worst thing to see when I got back. I cried when I saw the number on the scale. I couldn't believe it. The last 2 weeks I have been in high restricting mode and I've dropped back down to 133. I still haven't been able to pass it yet but I'm working on it.

There's not a whole lot going on with me at the moment. Just back into the same old routine for me. This weekend is Labour Day so I'll be spending most of it with my family. I've already planned to go to a yoga class with my mom on Sunday morning.

I sent off my resume to one of the companies that my contact told me to. They e-mailed me back saying that they just hired someone and wont be hiring in the near future. So back to the drawing board. I'll be following up with my contact to see if there are any other directions we can take but for now back to the impersonal job post.

Anyways lovelies, I'm off to work.

I'm still reading from my phone so I haven't fully disappeared.