Contradicting

UGH I HATE MYSELF!


I don't understand it! I read everyone's blogs and they inspire me to do well and to keep at it! But what am I doing WHILE I read??

I EAT!

How is that supposed to help me! I feel like I'm just failing before I begin! Every time I start reading, I end up getting hungry! Now I never eat badly, but I still eat a lot...It's just after noon, and I'm already 70 cals away from my limit. I'm going to the gym tonight to work back down to zero. I'm not leaving until I've burned all the calories I've consumed and heck! I'll even go into a negative caloric day! I must do this.
As I sit here all I want to do is purge...but I can't! I'm at work! I can't spend an hour in the bathroom at the toilet. People will start to wonder. I have to deal with what I've done and I have to beat it out of myself this evening at the gym!

My stomach feels bloated and heavy...I just want to puke!
I need to buy a scale...I'm making the bf drive me to the store tonight to get a body fat calculating scale. I'm stepping it up tonight. I'm sick and tired of constantly failing myself. I'm failing at work, failing my diet, failing my friendships, and it feels like my wedding plans are going nowhere...I have 97 days left and I still have SO much to do...and what am I doing about it? Sitting on my FAT ASS and EATING!

Gym tonight for 2 hours or I don't pick up my dress this weekend from artizia.

Fast

Doing a liquid fast today. I took the idea from Jess. Let's hope I can make it.

I've let myself go, and I've been consuming close to 1000 cals all week. If I'm eating ANYTHING I shouldn't be having more than 500.

The stress at work has been killing me. My boss doesn't like me,and it feels like he's looking for ANY excuse to get rid of me. So I'm constantly on my toes making sure I don't do anything wrong but at the same time because I don't feel valued, I'm not motivated to work. Oh, I still get my work done, but when I have a slump in my workload I don't go searching for more work to do anymore. I'm not sure if anyone out there feels like they're being micro managed every day, but that's how I feel. I keep getting told that I rely on people too much to do my work. So I try to be more autonomous. Then I'm given constant supervision...that makes no sense...and I'm told that these people are here to help me so I should work closely with them. THEN, when I have a question because I don't know something the tell me..."You should know that," or "what do you think?" Well I wouldn't be asking if I knew how to do it!

I think I should start looking for a new job. I feel my old habits setting in. I'm not happy so I stop caring and I shut off, and that means I don't watch what I eat.

So, today it's nothing but coffee (with a little milk), water, tea and a small 8oz glass of organge juice at lunch.

I'm going shopping with my mom tonight after work, so that should be fun!

I think on my lunch break I'll let you know how my wedding plans are coming along!

That time of month...

So I loathe the end of every month. It's when I get my visit from Flo :p

I bloat and I bloat and I bloat!

My weight is only 2 lbs heavier today (which is AWESOME OK compared to what I usually put on at this time of month) but everything is puffy and flabby and doesn't fit right!

So I got a GNC flyer in the paper this morning and I saw that QuickTrim is on special. So I am buying the Fast Cleanse and the Cleanse and burn packs. So starting Tuesday, I'll be documenting how this goes. Hopefully I'll see some fast results. I've only heard good reviews about this product.

So...wish me luck!

Fast Fast Fast

Hello all!

So today will be my second attempt at a 2 day fast. The only caloric consumption I can do is liquid and 1 rice cake (baby steps here). BUT if I do take in any calories (in any form) I have to work double the calories off to create enough of a deficit.

Tonight I’ll be doing some circuit training with my trainer, so that’s a good few hundred calories! My calorie tracker says it’s roughly 700 calories for an hour! So I’m hoping to have a negative calorie intake of at least -600 (the 100 will come from the recovery protein shake my trainer makes me drink after every workout).

My goal for the rest of this month is that I will do this 2 day fast and then starting Thursday fast every second day. I think I can pull that off since I’m always around my boyfriend and my family. It will be especially easy to do the days I’m at work because no one is paying attention to me.

I think that’s the one good thing about not talking to anyone at work. You don’t have to go to lunches or have people bug you about not eating!

So my bf said to me last night that I have definitely “toned up” in the last 2 weeks. I’m not sure what that means but I still feel like a flabby mess. I know I’ve lost a total of 3.5 inches over the last 2 weeks (all over) but I’m still not seeing the results I want. I want to see my hip bones stick out. I want to change metabolisms with my bf. He is only 10 lbs heavier than me and I think it’s only because he’s 5 inches TALLER than me! If I could be 5’10 and be that scrawny at the weight I am right now, I would be estatic! Honestly, the number isn’t the issue with me it’s the fat on my bones! I know the as the fat goes away the numbers on the scale decrease. So I use the scale as one of my checkpoints.

So, as I am writing this, I got a call from my trainer. She cancelled on me yet again. So now I have to go to the gym and workout infront of people who are super tinier than me and look way better. Oh well more coffee and water for me. No point in getting worked up about this, my sessions are my wedding gift, so I'm not paying for this.

Anways I'll probably update later today. I should get back to work and get on with my day.