I took 1 lax last night and when I woke up in the morning I realized why I DON'T take them. I was abrubtly woken up at 5 am with violent cramps and the rest just isn't right to share. Let's just say it wasn't pretty.

However, after everything, I feel great! I feel energized, clean, empty and ready to start my day! I also went back down to 142. I was pretty backed up there for a while, so I needed to clean myself out. So that leaves me 2 more pounds until Saturday to lose! I can do this!

I had a banana this morning and some orange juice. I will be having some celery for lunch and maybe some lettuce and I'm going to have a booster juice for dinner. That will put me at 400 cals for the day. I pulled a muscle in the gym yesterday (I only managed an hour because of it) so I have to keep my intake low low low.

I'm keeping my intake low today so I can do a fast tomorrow and a 2 hour workout again. I need to get these 17 lbs off before my engagement photos at the end of July. Idealy befor then...well that is my goal to lose 17 lbs by the 10th!

OK...back to work for me!

Contradicting

UGH I HATE MYSELF!


I don't understand it! I read everyone's blogs and they inspire me to do well and to keep at it! But what am I doing WHILE I read??

I EAT!

How is that supposed to help me! I feel like I'm just failing before I begin! Every time I start reading, I end up getting hungry! Now I never eat badly, but I still eat a lot...It's just after noon, and I'm already 70 cals away from my limit. I'm going to the gym tonight to work back down to zero. I'm not leaving until I've burned all the calories I've consumed and heck! I'll even go into a negative caloric day! I must do this.
As I sit here all I want to do is purge...but I can't! I'm at work! I can't spend an hour in the bathroom at the toilet. People will start to wonder. I have to deal with what I've done and I have to beat it out of myself this evening at the gym!

My stomach feels bloated and heavy...I just want to puke!
I need to buy a scale...I'm making the bf drive me to the store tonight to get a body fat calculating scale. I'm stepping it up tonight. I'm sick and tired of constantly failing myself. I'm failing at work, failing my diet, failing my friendships, and it feels like my wedding plans are going nowhere...I have 97 days left and I still have SO much to do...and what am I doing about it? Sitting on my FAT ASS and EATING!

Gym tonight for 2 hours or I don't pick up my dress this weekend from artizia.

This weekend was intersting.

The dinner I went to on Saturday night, ended up being a F***ing FOUR COURSE meal!! bleh! I made sure to only eat little bits of the food so I wouldn't offend the hostess but stay away from eating. Then last night I went to the telethon for the local children's hospital for work (we were presenting our check) and then my bf's boss took us out for dinner...to the Keg...I still feel sick from last night. I ordered a really small steak with a salad instead of potatoes and nibbled on that...but people were commenting that I wasn't eating and watching me...so I tried to eat more...BIG MISTAKE. I wanted to purge SO bad when i got home but the apartment is tiny and you can hear everything that happens in there. So I took 2 lax before I went to bed and I had a huge BM this morning. It made me feel a little better for last night...but I'm doing double time at the gym tonight.

Cardio Cardio Cardio.

I'm also starting circuits too. Squats, curnches, dips, pushups, leg lifts. Pretty all inclusive :)

So today, I'm finding it really hard to eat (not a bad thing) I guess because I'm so disgusted with myself everything tastes disgusting. I couldn't even drink my tea this morning!

Anyways I have to get on with work but I'll try to update later.