Hello all,
Sorry I haven't been posting or commenting of late. I just haven't been me lately.
As you all know D has been in a crappy situation with work for the past few months and has been working a lot more since his assistant had his accident a while back. He hasn't had a day off in over 50 days and I barely see him anymore. We manage to share a meal (definitely not home cooked) and then shortly after he passes out for the rest of the night. This leaves me pretty much alone all night. I can't even wake him up to get him off the couch to come to bed. I have slept alone for so long I've lost count of exactly how long. When he is home early on one of his "days off" he doesn't want to do ANYTHING other than lay on the couch. It's a struggle to have him willingly go to the odd Sunday dinner with my family. And when he does go, he's so reclusive that it's embarrassing.
ANYWAYS. I have just been so lonely and depressed with really no one to talk to about it. T is gearing up to have her baby in 2 months, J just moved to Vancouver, K (who I visited recently) I don't feel close enough to her to share these kinds of worries AND she just got engaged so why would I bring up my relationship problems while she's on cloud 9?? My elementary school friend V just has no relationship knowledge because she's never been in one (but that's a whole long story I will not bore you all with). So basically I have no one to talk to. I know you will all say well you should tell D how you feel. Well, if I'm tired or feeling sick or not perfectly happy or perky he basically gets pissy and tells me there's no way I should be feeling the way I am compared to him. I tell him it's not a contest, and I can be tired for my very own reasons. I've told him I want to spend more time with him doing things and being together. Even menial things like running errands and such. He just tells me to take his debit card and he will see me in a couple of hours. If I bug him enough he'll begrudgingly get off the couch and come with me. I just don't know what to do.
To top it off, I had a classmate from uni reconnect with me these last few weeks on LinkedIn. Cool right? Sure. But we never were friends, he was just a "consultant" for a project I was working on for one of my classes. He was the VP of the Finance committee at the school and our project was a case study on opening an investment firm. I was the team leader so I was the one that spoke to him mostly. Otherwise we didn't run in the same circles much but chatted on MSN from time to time. After uni when I went to college, we started talking more. We got to know each other and had an online flirtation and were making plans for him to come visit me to see if these "feelings" were more or less real and to possibly attempt starting a relationship as I was going to be finishing my program and moving home in a couple of months. We never got to meet up because he got a job offer at a bank or financial company in the UK and had to start very quickly after he got the job. We kept talking a bit but fell out of touch with the time difference. From there I met D, and you all know the rest of the story...So, he's back in Canada now living in Toronto trying reconnect with people from uni. We've been sending the odd message back and forth over LinkedIn, and then he shot out there that if I was ever in T.O. that we should go for drinks and catch up. I agreed but I never go but doesn't hurt to agree. We keep talking and he keeps bringing it up that when I go down we should meet up. He knows I'm married and he's married with a kid. ANYWAYS, he's helping me with deciphering my group plan at work since he's in Finance and all. Networking has it's perks. Well we exchanged our new e-mails to talk over MSN to make things easier than the inbox on LinkedIn. After our first convo on MSN, he gave me his cell number saying that I could text him whenever. Just weird. Now the part that's not so innocent. I have been thoroughly enjoying our conversations. And we talk the entire work day. I get giddy almost. It scares me. I'm not sure if this is a result from my loneliness and is just me looking for attention anywhere, or if this is something I should be really worried about. But this is making me worry. I've just been so confused.
Throw in my emotional eating when I get stressed and boom I'm freaking out about everything. Lack of social life, looking for a social life elsewhere, and eating so horribly that I have had a stomach ache for the last 2 weeks is just destroying me. I lay awake at night wondering what's wrong with me and why I'm thinking the way I am.
I just wish I had someone I could just vent this completely to and get advice or feedback or understanding on what's going on with me. I'm sorry to have dumped this all here but I have no where else to vent. I have been putting on a super happy face trying to pretend that everything is great and that I'm strong and understanding and patient. But all I feel is weak, confused and anxious. My Twitter has been found by D's best work buddy and he's following me now so I have be VERY careful what I tweet. So that outlet has has up and gone. Oh well. Hopefully this will pass over once D is back to normal.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
Long time no see
Hello Lovelies!
Sorry for being so M.I.A.
No excuse really just haven't really had anything to blog about.
ANYWAYS.
I'm bouncing between 129 and 131. Literally. I mean, I'm either 129 dead on or I'm 131 dead on. I never graze 130 just bouncing between those 2 lbs like a ping pong ball or something. Kinda weird....
My weekend with the girls was amazing. I had a blast. I went absolutely broke. The baths at the spa costed $55 after taxes (I did not expect that) and I spent about $100 in gas, and food for the potluck, $$ for cover at the bar and brunch on Saturday morning. Also I had to buy a new pair of flats because my favourites fell apart in the rain on the Friday I went down. No really. Fell apart. As in, unsalvageable, destroyed, no longer shoes. So, Payless had nothing and there was barely anything on the sale racks that were left over from the summer in my size at the other stores. I almost caved and bought a pair of $110 studded tuxedo slippers from Nine West but stopped myself and went for a $65 pair of black suede loafers from Aldo. For necessity, I think I did pretty well.
Anyways, so that Saturday night at the bar was a lot of fun. The bar was called Electric Avenue, and they play all the kitschy, poppy songs from the 70s-90s. There was a lot of awesome 80s and a lot disco, and the odd boy band thrown in here and there. I played eye games with a hunk in the dance circle across from us and got hit on by a dorky looking college kid. Gotta give props to the kid though he did walk through the centre of a girls-only dance circle to talk to me and politely asked me to dance and didn't give me a hard time when I said no.
Well, work has been keeping me busy. I have to prepare a report on ways to increase our revenue for next week's board meeting and I have to build a brochure and get it printed and sent out for the middle of November. No rest pour moi.
Speaking of which. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight for D. The poor man gets no rest, and he is just drained when he comes home. I never see him anymore. He comes home, eats dinner and then passes out on the couch within the next hour. And when he does fall asleep he's gone for the rest of the night. I have no way of waking him up. He's not aware that I'll spend an hour every night trying to wake him up to come to bed. He hasn't slept in bed with me a full night in almost a month now. He eventually wanders up at about 4 am or so but then he has to get up for work at 5. I really do miss my hubby. I feel so bad for him that he has no way to have a days rest at any point. Today was day 32 of working straight. He's done the odd half day (6 am - 3pm) but that's been about it. No real days off in over a month. :(
I got my period today, and my face erupted like a volcano! I seriously haven't had a breakout like this since high school! I thought my skin was bad for a 26 year old but this is straight out 14 year old skin today. Just awful. No amount of make-up could cover it up an it would only make the situation worse!! Hot compresses tonight along with a mask of some sort. BAH! Stupid hormones.
Well back to work I go. Hope you are all doing well!~
Sorry for being so M.I.A.
No excuse really just haven't really had anything to blog about.
ANYWAYS.
I'm bouncing between 129 and 131. Literally. I mean, I'm either 129 dead on or I'm 131 dead on. I never graze 130 just bouncing between those 2 lbs like a ping pong ball or something. Kinda weird....
My weekend with the girls was amazing. I had a blast. I went absolutely broke. The baths at the spa costed $55 after taxes (I did not expect that) and I spent about $100 in gas, and food for the potluck, $$ for cover at the bar and brunch on Saturday morning. Also I had to buy a new pair of flats because my favourites fell apart in the rain on the Friday I went down. No really. Fell apart. As in, unsalvageable, destroyed, no longer shoes. So, Payless had nothing and there was barely anything on the sale racks that were left over from the summer in my size at the other stores. I almost caved and bought a pair of $110 studded tuxedo slippers from Nine West but stopped myself and went for a $65 pair of black suede loafers from Aldo. For necessity, I think I did pretty well.
Anyways, so that Saturday night at the bar was a lot of fun. The bar was called Electric Avenue, and they play all the kitschy, poppy songs from the 70s-90s. There was a lot of awesome 80s and a lot disco, and the odd boy band thrown in here and there. I played eye games with a hunk in the dance circle across from us and got hit on by a dorky looking college kid. Gotta give props to the kid though he did walk through the centre of a girls-only dance circle to talk to me and politely asked me to dance and didn't give me a hard time when I said no.
Well, work has been keeping me busy. I have to prepare a report on ways to increase our revenue for next week's board meeting and I have to build a brochure and get it printed and sent out for the middle of November. No rest pour moi.
Speaking of which. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight for D. The poor man gets no rest, and he is just drained when he comes home. I never see him anymore. He comes home, eats dinner and then passes out on the couch within the next hour. And when he does fall asleep he's gone for the rest of the night. I have no way of waking him up. He's not aware that I'll spend an hour every night trying to wake him up to come to bed. He hasn't slept in bed with me a full night in almost a month now. He eventually wanders up at about 4 am or so but then he has to get up for work at 5. I really do miss my hubby. I feel so bad for him that he has no way to have a days rest at any point. Today was day 32 of working straight. He's done the odd half day (6 am - 3pm) but that's been about it. No real days off in over a month. :(
I got my period today, and my face erupted like a volcano! I seriously haven't had a breakout like this since high school! I thought my skin was bad for a 26 year old but this is straight out 14 year old skin today. Just awful. No amount of make-up could cover it up an it would only make the situation worse!! Hot compresses tonight along with a mask of some sort. BAH! Stupid hormones.
Well back to work I go. Hope you are all doing well!~
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Hello lovelies.
So not much new in the world of me. Just feeling generally BLAH. I feel apathetic, moody, uncomfortable, not right in my own skin and above everything else fat. And not just "Ew, I'm bloated and feel puffy!" I mean HUGE, GARGANTUAN, OBESE. I just don't feel like me. Nothing is fitting right and looks like a sack on me. I know I should be happy that my clothes are too big, but because I can't buy the right size clothes I have to make do in clothes that don't fit. I look like a whale in them. I can't stand being in my own skin at the moment. I'm breaking out and retaining water like there's no tomorrow. I couldn't take enough diuretics to fight this.
So D wont be able to come to Montreal with me this weekend. I'm not sure if I had told you all that his assistant manager got in an accident and has been in the hospital because he had a collapsed lung. So D has to work this weekend. It's sad and I have to make the trip on my own in crummy weather in the evening. I'm not sure if I should bus or borrow my mom's car and make the drive. I haven't figured out what would be cheaper for me. It's supposed to rain on Friday so that makes me a little nervous to drive by myself but the bus is going to cost me $70 plus tax. Then there is the wait time at the stations and such. Where the car I can just get there when I get there and there are no wait times.
Blah.
Well I hope this funk passes. Maybe a good night's sleep will help. I know I didn't sleep well last night. I was too warm. Here's hoping.
So not much new in the world of me. Just feeling generally BLAH. I feel apathetic, moody, uncomfortable, not right in my own skin and above everything else fat. And not just "Ew, I'm bloated and feel puffy!" I mean HUGE, GARGANTUAN, OBESE. I just don't feel like me. Nothing is fitting right and looks like a sack on me. I know I should be happy that my clothes are too big, but because I can't buy the right size clothes I have to make do in clothes that don't fit. I look like a whale in them. I can't stand being in my own skin at the moment. I'm breaking out and retaining water like there's no tomorrow. I couldn't take enough diuretics to fight this.
So D wont be able to come to Montreal with me this weekend. I'm not sure if I had told you all that his assistant manager got in an accident and has been in the hospital because he had a collapsed lung. So D has to work this weekend. It's sad and I have to make the trip on my own in crummy weather in the evening. I'm not sure if I should bus or borrow my mom's car and make the drive. I haven't figured out what would be cheaper for me. It's supposed to rain on Friday so that makes me a little nervous to drive by myself but the bus is going to cost me $70 plus tax. Then there is the wait time at the stations and such. Where the car I can just get there when I get there and there are no wait times.
Blah.
Well I hope this funk passes. Maybe a good night's sleep will help. I know I didn't sleep well last night. I was too warm. Here's hoping.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
I love you ALL!
I just wanted to say to you all that you girls are amazing. No matter how upset, down on myself or hopeless I get, you are always there to show me the brighter side of things and that I'm never alone. You girls just GET me. Sometimes I feel so much closer with you all then my best friends. I can say anything, tell you anything without worrying that you think I'm being over dramatic or over analysing things. I feel that my real life friends can be judgemental (not in a cruel way) sometimes and they can't fully grasp my concerns and fears. It is just such a shame that all of you, my lovelies are, so far away.
If you ever want to contact me and talk outside of the blogger-verse you can e-mail me at:
Just let me know who you are. You can also add me to Facebook with that e-mail. I just want you all to know that I'm here for you whenever you need me. :)
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
If you ever want to contact me and talk outside of the blogger-verse you can e-mail me at:
Just let me know who you are. You can also add me to Facebook with that e-mail. I just want you all to know that I'm here for you whenever you need me. :)
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Monday, September 10, 2012
So, still bummed about my money situation. Who knows how I'm going to fix this. Sigh.
Kitty: Before I found out about my RRSP deductions D and I made pretty much the same. He made about $50 more than me. However, the odd pay for him, if he works a lot of extra hours during the week he will sometimes get paid out for some of them and then his cheque will be a bit more. He then takes that money and puts some to his credit cards or into savings for when we want to go do something (like our Montreal trip in a couple of weeks). Basically I just have to be really careful with my money and put a lot more into my "untouchable" accounts.
I think I'm going to make an appointment with the bank on Friday afternoon to find out what I can do. At least I'm putting away $50 each pay for my iPhone in October when it's released. Right now I'm sitting at $225 in that account with 3 more pays (at least) before I get the phone. Who knows what it's going to cost me with a contract and everything but I still will have just over $400 for the phone.
So I'm off the OxyElite Pro now. I finished the bottle last week and I'm back up at 132.8. I'm so disgusted and upset. Mind you my eating hasn't been as clean as it has been over the last bit of the summer, and I'm eating lunch at school again. They are the first pills that have done ANYTHING for me since I started taking diet pills. I know I have to take a 4 week hiatus from taking them before I can start up again, but with only one website that ships to Canada and a $40 shipping cost makes the whole transaction over $80. And that doesn't even include duty upon delivery. One bottle could cost me $100. I don't know if that's worth it. But I'm so upset that I spiked 4 lbs over the weekend. The first bit was due to my period, but now that it's over I haven't gone down at all.
D and I went out for our anniversary dinner on Saturday night and I just felt like a whale. Nothing seemed to fit right and I just looked bulgy and lumpy. Nothing I did made me look normal. It was really hard to enjoy myself and the beautifully prepared food. How is it that I have so many issues with food but I am a full fledged foodie? That always baffles my mind. I get so much anxiety over going out for a meal or even cooking one but I go crazy for flavours and textures and new experiences. This is probably unheard of to all of you. What has me going even crazier is that when I go for my girls' day at the end of the month, here is what is tentatively planned. Brunch, then helping J pack along with drinks and munchies, time at a Nordic spa (only a couple bucks to use the baths) or mani/pedis, then either dinner out or at someone's house then more drinking and then out dancing. Not only will this be a day of calories, but money spending. I'm trying to push for dinner to be at someone's place to save money but C (who's offered to host) is a really picky eater and will probably serve fettucini alfredo or something equally carby and fatty. Brunch is going to be tough if it's at a place like Cora's (huge portions and lots of cals in all their food). But if I don't eat during the day, when I go to drink I'm going to get hit super hard and get sick. I'm freaking out just thinking about that.
GAH!
I just wish I didn't care. All my friends are just so tiny and don't have stupid repercussions like me when they eat the wrong thing the wrong way. I just can't let myself get fat like I was 3 years ago. I know where I am is my body's "happy" spot. I can function like this but I just hate looking at myself at this weight. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I avoid them as much as possible. I really only spend time in front of the mirror when I get ready in the mornings.
Anyways, I should probably stop. I'm just in such a funk and I don't want to bring you lovelies down with me.
Kitty: Before I found out about my RRSP deductions D and I made pretty much the same. He made about $50 more than me. However, the odd pay for him, if he works a lot of extra hours during the week he will sometimes get paid out for some of them and then his cheque will be a bit more. He then takes that money and puts some to his credit cards or into savings for when we want to go do something (like our Montreal trip in a couple of weeks). Basically I just have to be really careful with my money and put a lot more into my "untouchable" accounts.
I think I'm going to make an appointment with the bank on Friday afternoon to find out what I can do. At least I'm putting away $50 each pay for my iPhone in October when it's released. Right now I'm sitting at $225 in that account with 3 more pays (at least) before I get the phone. Who knows what it's going to cost me with a contract and everything but I still will have just over $400 for the phone.
So I'm off the OxyElite Pro now. I finished the bottle last week and I'm back up at 132.8. I'm so disgusted and upset. Mind you my eating hasn't been as clean as it has been over the last bit of the summer, and I'm eating lunch at school again. They are the first pills that have done ANYTHING for me since I started taking diet pills. I know I have to take a 4 week hiatus from taking them before I can start up again, but with only one website that ships to Canada and a $40 shipping cost makes the whole transaction over $80. And that doesn't even include duty upon delivery. One bottle could cost me $100. I don't know if that's worth it. But I'm so upset that I spiked 4 lbs over the weekend. The first bit was due to my period, but now that it's over I haven't gone down at all.
D and I went out for our anniversary dinner on Saturday night and I just felt like a whale. Nothing seemed to fit right and I just looked bulgy and lumpy. Nothing I did made me look normal. It was really hard to enjoy myself and the beautifully prepared food. How is it that I have so many issues with food but I am a full fledged foodie? That always baffles my mind. I get so much anxiety over going out for a meal or even cooking one but I go crazy for flavours and textures and new experiences. This is probably unheard of to all of you. What has me going even crazier is that when I go for my girls' day at the end of the month, here is what is tentatively planned. Brunch, then helping J pack along with drinks and munchies, time at a Nordic spa (only a couple bucks to use the baths) or mani/pedis, then either dinner out or at someone's house then more drinking and then out dancing. Not only will this be a day of calories, but money spending. I'm trying to push for dinner to be at someone's place to save money but C (who's offered to host) is a really picky eater and will probably serve fettucini alfredo or something equally carby and fatty. Brunch is going to be tough if it's at a place like Cora's (huge portions and lots of cals in all their food). But if I don't eat during the day, when I go to drink I'm going to get hit super hard and get sick. I'm freaking out just thinking about that.
GAH!
I just wish I didn't care. All my friends are just so tiny and don't have stupid repercussions like me when they eat the wrong thing the wrong way. I just can't let myself get fat like I was 3 years ago. I know where I am is my body's "happy" spot. I can function like this but I just hate looking at myself at this weight. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I avoid them as much as possible. I really only spend time in front of the mirror when I get ready in the mornings.
Anyways, I should probably stop. I'm just in such a funk and I don't want to bring you lovelies down with me.
Friday, September 7, 2012
I hate money
It seems as though every day some new money problem comes up. It's really starting to stress me out. My credit cards never seem to get lower. My bills just seem to get bigger. And my needs just seem to become more.
I went through my closet the last couple of weeks getting ready for the new season and taking stock of what didn't fit, what I don't wear anymore etc. I discovered that I don't have office appropriate attire for fall/winter. Which makes sense since I worked in a Costco for the last 2 years. All I have are jeans t-shirts, sweaters and hoodies. I can't wear that to work. The stuff I wore when I was in the office when I started this blog don't fit. Which I'm glad they don't because I was almost 30 lbs heavier!! So I need a new 3 piece suit (pants skirt and jacket) and then some tops. I don't need much. I have casual wear for the most part down. I've cleaned out my closet and gotten rid of old and ill fitting things. But I don't have the money. I just can't afford to prepare myself for work. I can't.
I just found out these last 6 months working here they messed up my RRSP contributions. They're supposed to add their contribution to my pay-cheque and then remove theirs and mine to my RRSP account. They only put their contribution. Now I'm lucky they're not going to remove my contributions over the last 6 months but from here on in I'm going to have $130 less on my pay each cheque. That $130 was my me money. The odd manicure or restocking my closet. I will now be broke every single Monday after pay.
500 to my mortgage, 50 to the gym, 50 to my savings, 200 to my credit card, 150 to groceries, and 150 to my phone/cable/internet bill. That's each pay cheque. Boom I'm broke. D pays the same 500 for the mortgage plus his student loan and pays about 350 in utilities and then usually picks up the tab in other bills like property taxes and our car insurance.
How the hell am I supposed to afford anything? How can I pay off anything. How am I to afford Montreal in 3 weeks?
I almost want to take a second job but then I'd never see my husband or anyone else for that matter.
On a happier note, for Harlow and Kitty this was T's leg workout yesterday (she posted it on FB) this will give you and idea of how crazy she still is going:
Fast and furious glute & hamstring workout today:
4 sets x 40 walking lunges
3 sets single leg cable glute kickbacks
4 sets single leg hamstring curls
3 drop sets abductors
and finished with 5 sets x 20 3/4 leg presses
..... all in 35 minutes!! Yup, stairs are going to be a problem tomorrow, lol.
Sorry I needed to vent there. I didn't mean to be so depressing.
I went through my closet the last couple of weeks getting ready for the new season and taking stock of what didn't fit, what I don't wear anymore etc. I discovered that I don't have office appropriate attire for fall/winter. Which makes sense since I worked in a Costco for the last 2 years. All I have are jeans t-shirts, sweaters and hoodies. I can't wear that to work. The stuff I wore when I was in the office when I started this blog don't fit. Which I'm glad they don't because I was almost 30 lbs heavier!! So I need a new 3 piece suit (pants skirt and jacket) and then some tops. I don't need much. I have casual wear for the most part down. I've cleaned out my closet and gotten rid of old and ill fitting things. But I don't have the money. I just can't afford to prepare myself for work. I can't.
I just found out these last 6 months working here they messed up my RRSP contributions. They're supposed to add their contribution to my pay-cheque and then remove theirs and mine to my RRSP account. They only put their contribution. Now I'm lucky they're not going to remove my contributions over the last 6 months but from here on in I'm going to have $130 less on my pay each cheque. That $130 was my me money. The odd manicure or restocking my closet. I will now be broke every single Monday after pay.
500 to my mortgage, 50 to the gym, 50 to my savings, 200 to my credit card, 150 to groceries, and 150 to my phone/cable/internet bill. That's each pay cheque. Boom I'm broke. D pays the same 500 for the mortgage plus his student loan and pays about 350 in utilities and then usually picks up the tab in other bills like property taxes and our car insurance.
How the hell am I supposed to afford anything? How can I pay off anything. How am I to afford Montreal in 3 weeks?
I almost want to take a second job but then I'd never see my husband or anyone else for that matter.
On a happier note, for Harlow and Kitty this was T's leg workout yesterday (she posted it on FB) this will give you and idea of how crazy she still is going:
Fast and furious glute & hamstring workout today:
4 sets x 40 walking lunges
3 sets single leg cable glute kickbacks
4 sets single leg hamstring curls
3 drop sets abductors
and finished with 5 sets x 20 3/4 leg presses
..... all in 35 minutes!! Yup, stairs are going to be a problem tomorrow, lol.
Sorry I needed to vent there. I didn't mean to be so depressing.
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